Search Term Bingo

A popular game among those with websites (hey! I'm those with websites!) is to list wacky search terms people have used. Unfortunately, my hitcounting software doesn't go very deep, so I don't see the occasional request for "people eating pickles on the beach" or whatever. Instead, I shall just look at the things I get a lot of hits for now and make theoretically-funny comments about them.

The weird thing is that they're totally random entries. If I had some way of determining which entries would magically turn out to get lots of hits for years afterward, I'd do it, but I don't see any connection. Anyway: on with the carnage!

Deviled Eggs

I get lots of hits for "deviled eggs", "how to make deviled eggs", and "how to make hard boiled eggs". These hits, naturally enough, end up at my explanation of How to Make Deviled Eggs. I used to be the top Google result for that, but now I've dropped to second or third. I tend to get a lot of extra hits right before holidays (especially Easter) as people suddenly decide they need to bring things to parties.

My recipe is absurdly complete, since there's a big section on making homemade mayonnaise. That part isn't strictly necessary, but the information on hard-boiling eggs has been roundly praised by many people. Mmm! Deviled Eggs!

Frances Bean Cobain Pictures

I freely admit that I don't understand why I get pageviews out of this search. For one thing, it's kind of creepy that people are so desperate to get hold of pictures of Frances Bean. Also, I'm somehow the eighth link on a Google search for "Frances Bean Cobain" and the sixth for "Frances Bean Cobain Pictures". And that's just because when I wrote about People magazine's MTV retrospective, lots of people put in comments asking if I had pictures. So I guess it's all because I mentioned in passing that there was a picture of Kurt playing with his baby. People need to relax.

Actually, since I wrote that, I've been to the grocery store, where I made an impulse-purchase of Blender magazine (the August 2005 issue), and it turns out there's a picture of Courtney Love and Frances Bean Cobain at the American Idol finale. So here you go:

Man, how can she be almost 13 already? Anyway, there's a picture, now quit searching for it; you're kind of creeping me out.

Tijuana Donkey Show

Oh good! I'm the top Google result for Tijuana Donkey Show! And that's even though I never use that phrase on the website. Well, until now. So that means that if you use quotation marks around the phrase, I don't show up at all.

To be fair, though, I do mention donkey shows in passing in this Border Story, mostly in the context of not thinking they really exist. There are a few comments from people who showed up looking for, well, something which I do not offer.

Learn Shorthand

The Internet's weird. I write about how I Want to Learn Shorthand (sort of), and the next thing I know, I'm the fourth result for people interested in shorthand, which must therefore mean I'm an expert, so now people are asking me how they can learn shorthand. It seems sort of circular if you ask me.

Harry Potter Sucks

Oh, come on! How high can I possibly be on this search? Well, the answer is "sixth". Because before the first Harry Potter movie (and before Fellowship of the Ring) hit theaters, I wrote Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings about how near I thought it was that two big fantasy movies were coming out. And incidentally, I'm still thr fourth result for that phrase. Anyway, the reson that entry is hard to read is that the comments are full of fanboys of both stripes freaking out at each other. That's where the "Harry Potter Sucks" comes in. And the reason the page is so wide is that some people use so many exclamation points (or "o"s in "soooooooooo cute") that it breaks the layout.

Buffy Nude (and Kristy Swanson Playboy)

Heh heh. Nothing complicated about this one: Kristy Swanson posed nude from Playboy, and since she was Buffy in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie (which I still think is underrated, by the way), they were able to put "Buffy Nude" on the cover. So I wrote about it, approving of how cleverly deceptive that was.

And then I pointed out that I was doing the same thing; using words like "Buffy" and "Nude" without actually presenting nudity. And then, hey, look! I get hits from it! Who knew?

Fractured Ribs

Well, I admit that I fractured my ribs once. But I don't quite see why people are clicking on my entry when they have to scroll down past things with actual information in them.

The Path Is Too Deep

This one is a search for the exact phrase. And here's a hint for software designers: if your error messages are so uninformative that people not only can't figure out what they mean but end up reading other people not understanding them, then maybe you should consider putting some actual information in. Or maybe explaining them in the help files. Or the manual. Or something.

Sports Guy World

Look, I don't hate Bill Simmons. Okay? I don't. I just had a few objections. And now I'm really high on the Google page and I'm constantly getting emails (and comments until I shut them down on that page) about how stupid I am for hating him. I don't mind hate mail; it's just that I wish the people who write it would read the stuff they're complaining about.

Vanna White

Wow, I'm pretty high up there for a celebrity name search. I guess Vanna's prime time missed the Internet. On the bright side, it's a relevant result, since I was, in fact, writing In Praise of Vanna White.

Business Buzzwords

You'd think there'd be more web pages with this phrase, wouldn't you? I was writing about New Business Buzzwords, but only becaus eI wouldn't feel right about just making fun of the buzzwords popular at my place of business.

I will say this, though: Flight Attendants need to stop saying "At this time" so often. Every announcement includes three or four "At this time"s and they could all easily be cut. There's no difference between "At this time we are boarding rows 15-25" and "We are boarding rows 15-25".