Pirates, Ninjas, and Office Workers

This was written one week ago, on Saturday, January 29

Guess what I'm doing!

Well, right now I'm sitting in a hallway, typing on my laptop. But a few minutes ago, I was being trailed by a huge squad of pirates that were about to run into a ninja. And since that's not the sort of thing that happens absolutely every day, i have decreed it to be interesting enough to tell you about.

Today, I'm an extra in a movie that's being shot conveniently close to my workplace (technically, the scenes I'm in are being shot in my workplace, and I'm sure you'll agree that it's hard to get more convenient than that). I'm portraying an office drone, and it's my job to look unimpressed by the aforementioned pirates and ninjas. I just shot my first scene, in which my line ("Morning, Ed.") was infused with a suppressed tension that I'm pretty sure no one will pick up on. In an attempt to make the roles more interesting, I and Jeff Grubb (who plays the office drone named Ed) decided that my character ("Steve") was sleeping with his wife. I like the idea of having lots and lots of backstory that no one will ever notice or care about. I've heard that on Oz, there were extras who were there for years and would sometimes argue with guest directors about their placement in the background ("I'd never sit next to him! We've had a blood feud since the second season!") even though neither of them had ever had any lines.

I got my coveted role as Steve the Office Drone because the art director for the website I produce is also the art director for Dead Gentlemen Productions, who are finally doing a sequel to their cult short film The Gamers. The original was very funny to people who played Dungeons & Dragons although probably impenetrable to people who hadn't. I have no idea what the sequel is about except that the sequence they're shooting today involves pirates, ninjas, and office drones.

Technically, I should admit that the movie does not appear to be about my character. Or even about the office drones in general. For some reason, they have decided to focus more on the pirate/ninja action than on the office drones. However, we office drones have decided that we're essential to the process. We set the reality and ground the production so that the pirates and ninjas are funny. We're the anchor, the bedrock, the cornerstone, and the keystone. Yeah. this whole thing would fall apart if it weren't for us. And I say that even though they're shooting in an entirely different building from the one I'm currently in. I have confidence that when they need me (and they will), they'll come get me.

I had to be here at 8:00 AM this fine Saturday morning, which was a little annoying. I mean, considering that on the weekdays I don't get here this early, it kind of makes a mockery of the "weekend" concept. Plus, my home currently contains not only a lovely new girlfriend but a freshly-baked cake. And before you start getting on me about reinforcing traditional gender role, I hasten to point out that I baked the cake myself. So now I guess you're feeling pretty ashamed of yourself for jumping to conclusions, not to mention being jealous of my delicious cake.

[Time passes]

Okay, now I'm rehearsing a scene. I play the part of an Office Drone who doesn't notice the pitched ninja battle taking place immediately behind him. I have to be very quiet and not look around no matter what happens. Right now (yes, now) the director has called "Action", and there are noises of fighting behind me. I'm not really sure what's happening, exactly, because as a good actor, I can't look around to see what's going on. I did see some of the fight choreography earlier, so I have a slight frame of reference, but I don't know quite how the snarling pirates figure in.

Again, I think that my role is, in fact, important, because it makes the battle funnier that there are people working obliviously while crazy things happen behind them. However, I have to say that it's a shame I can't watch the action. On the other hand, I think it's kind of neat that I can write this while I'm acting. In fact, it's kind of like one of those "write for five minutes, no matter what you say" exercises, because I'm required to appear to be intent on my work. And this is only rehearsal; I expect that the actual shooting (which will take awhile, what with all the fighting) will take some time, so I have to warn you right now that there might be some stream-of-consciousness writing. This would be a great DVD extra, don't you think? "Read the stuff that the Office Extra was typing in the background of this one scene." People love that sort of thing. Of course, I'm also going to spend some time making a crazy Excel spreadsheet, because those always look businesslike.

My spreadsheet is pretty good. It's got a PivotTable, a Chart, and a Diagram on it. It also employs many colors and arrows on it, so it looks pretty impressive. Personally, I don't think it looks particularly professional, because in my experience, a proper Excel Spreadsheet is mostly numbers, as opposed to large pictures. But I guess I might be working on a report or something.

Note: there is a trampoline in my cubicle, for ninja action. Now I want a trampoline in my actual cube. But then, I also want a fog machine and a strobe light.

. . . okay, that's all I wrote at the time. As it happened, I traded out my spot to a different office drone, so I spent the next six hours watching from behind the scenes. I think I squeezed into a couple of pickup shots, though. And then I went home, because it was getting pretty late.) Now, here are some pictures!

These pirates are, as far as I could tell as an extra without a script, the security force for the unnamed company. Most of them are Seafair Pirates, which means they appear in a local parade. Interesting fact: many of the costumes were originally in Cutthroat Island and were bought on the cheap by one of them.

Here, the ninjas are watching a pitched battle between the Orange Ninja and the Purple Ninja. Businessdrones are in the cubicles during the fight.

And here, of course, a ninja, a pirate, and an inflatable stuntman rehearse. It was kind of an odd day.