Vampire-killin' in a Blackout

Last night, I saw Blade: Trinity, but it wasn't my fault. I'd been spending my Nonspecific Winter Holiday Break in the time-honored traditional way of spending all my waking hours playing Knights of the Old Republic 2. It's going pretty well: I finished it on the Light Side, and I'm working through it on the Dark Side this time. I did it without hints the first time, but I figure it's okay to use the Prima guide if I'm already playing someone evil, right? Besides, the guide is wrong so often, I'm pretty sure that using it makes the game harder.

But while I was playing, my roommate came into my room to ask if I thought it was a good idea to give a couple of crazy Satanic cult books to someone for Christmas (my verdict: most Satanists have a sense of humor about this sort of thing) and the power went out. A little investigation revealed that the blackout extended for a couple of blocks in every direction, so the XBox was out of service. I considered hanging around the apartment reading, because we have plenty of candles, but I would have been alone (since the roommate you met earlier in this paragraph was going to a party, which was what the presents were for, and aren't you glad I've spent all this time to set the scene?) and hanging around by myself in the dark is really more of an Arbor Day activity. So I decided to rush out and see a movie.

Now, since we had no electricity, we perforce had no Internet access, which naturally meant that I couldn't check movie times. So I arbitrarily decided which of the two Big Scary Multiplexes near my house I was going to, and off I went. I was hoping to see A Series of Unfortunate Events, but I picked the wrong place. Curses! So I had to be one of those people who gets to the theater and doesn't know what their seeing. I never understood those people when I was on the other side of the equation: you drove all the way out here without even knowing what movies are out? Really? At least when I do it, I read the list of showtimes before I get to the front of the line. And the showtime I read said "Blade: Trinity, starting in 15 minutes." And now we're back to where we started! That's what happens when you don't have an editor.

Because I had fifteen minutes, I naturally went to the bookstore. I got Faithful, the book by Steven King and Some Other Guy about watching the 2004 Boston Red Sox. It was written as the season unfolded, so even in the ALCS -- especially in the ALCS -- they're never more than cautiously optimistic until the season finally ends. It's fairly entertaining, although I skipped ahead to the end, because the postseason was almost the only time all year I paid attention to Boston. They were really good games, though.

Right. Blade: Trinity. Let me first say that any elite vampire-killing team that includes both Ryan Reynolds and Patton Oswalt is . . . sketchy. If they're all that's standing between me and an army of vampires, well, it's probably a good thing I already own a lot of black clothes. Jessica Biel was reasonably convincing as a vampire-killer, although her character's gimmick, where she makes playlists on her iPod so she can have loud music in her ears while she kills things in slow motion, was fairly blatant product placement. On the other hand, the fight music was pretty good, so I don't know. I might actually buy the soundtrack, so I guess it worked.

My favorite part of the movie, of course, was Parker Posey. She plays an evil vampire queen. I know, I'm already laughing. But here's the thing: you know how sometimes she looks a little angular around the mouth? That look is emphasized this time out by the fangs, which also give her a bit of a lisp in some scenes. And everybody loves Parker Posey as an evil genius with a lisp, right? Plus, she understands what's called for here: wild overacting. She reminded me of Minerva Mayflower (Sandra Bernhard in Hudson Hawk), and that's a good thing. She was a lot of crazy fun. One of her henchmen was Triple H. The wrestler. As opposed to the investment banker named "Triple H", I guess. He did all right, certainly better than Edge in Highlander: Endgame. Um, that's Edge the Wrestler, not The Edge the U2 Guitarist. Have we really run out of "cool" names already?

The main villain (aside from Parker Posey) is your standard Ancient Vampire Who Was the Basis for Dracula (and also Dagon for some reason). At one point, he's walking around in a city to get acclimated to this crazy modern world of ours, and he walks into a goth store. They've got Dracula masks and lunchboxes and bobbleheads and even vibrators. They're so goth, the guy behind the counter is eating Count Chocula. And naturally, the big vampire (called "Drake" for no apparent reason) kills them. They're listed in the cast as "Goth Guy Wannabe" and "Goth Vixen Wannabe" which pleases me, because they didn't really act like the counter people at Hot Topic.

BTW, the IMDb Trivia Page includes this: "Jessica Biel inadvertently destroyed a $300,000 camera when she shot it with a bow and arrow during a scene (she was directed to 'aim for the camera'). Director David S. Goyer intends to include it on the DVD release." That's pretty funny.

So I guess I liked the movie. I enjoyed the process of watching it well enough. At this point, I don't even mind the numerous ripoffs from The Matrix, like The Guy Who Dodges Bullets Like Remo Williams and The Assault on an Office Building Where You Kill a Bunch of Security Guards Who Are Just Doing Their Jobs, since I was so glad they didn't keep the Matrix music from the trailer. And a movie with Parker Posey and John Michael Higgins is almost like watching Best in Show, except not at all like that. However, you notice how I haven't mentioned Wesley Snipes? Yeah, he doesn't do much in this movie. He pretty much looks stern and disapproving while Ryan Reynolds blathers on. And then he jumps around in a quick-cutting fight scene.

When I got home, the electricity was back, but the cable was still out, which means that even with Tivo I missed The Simpsons, Arrested Development, and Adult Swim. Curses!