The 2004 Video Music Awards

Okay, here's what's happening here: I made notes during the preshow and show. Well, the first part of the show, anyway. And instead of crafting them into an impeccably written commentary, I've decided to just type my notes up and declare it done. Feel ripped off? Welcome to the Internet!

Eew. Scruffy rock stars making out.

Eew. Jimmy Fallon

Kurt Loder is still at MTV? Hasn't he been there longer than Britney Spears has been alive? Seriously, since MTV years are like ten regular years, it seems like Kurt's been on television longer than Dick Clark at this point.

Oh, look. A boat. No, sorry, "one of the flyest floating rides." Yeah. You know, if I can't identify a single Usher song, I'm probably no longer eligible to watch the VMAs.

John Norris: "You know how to make an entrance!" What? All he did was hop onto the dock. Big deal. We never get to see these yachts arrive, because it's pretty slow and involves dockworkers throwing ropes around, which MTV has deemed "Not Sexy."

If everyone has to have a boat, how did Ashanti get there? I mean, I can see cars behind her, so the whole boat thing is clearly just for the "special" people. And Ashanti's look is "by MTV"? Couldn't they at least pretend they're not in bed with the record companies?

The MTV guys look dumber than ever, with Gideon Yago's pink suit and John Norris's weird white shirt with the cloth strips coming off it somehow.

Why are there commercials for the main show? Are there really people who watch the preshow and not the main event? I guess I can imagine people getting sick of rock stars after an hour and a half of red carpet, but you'd think excessive advertising would turn them off even more.

Hey, that guy's got a "W" sign among all the "Vote!" signs. Weird. Oh, there's an "H" and a "Y" sign scattered around, too.

I see rap songs are still largely about ordering people to wave their hands around.

Vespas!

"You're never gonna forget this performance and that's a promise." -- Alicia Keys

Oh, look. Some guys in white suits. And they're carrying booze. How distinctive!

Hey, Marilyn Manson's still alive.

I do not feel that they should allow a 13-year-old into the VMAs.

Jennifer Lopez is the unofficial mayor of Miami? Did Gloria Estefan die?
(Rhias adds: "I can't believe her purse is as ugly as her dress")

Hulk Hogan! Wait, Hulk Hogan?

Christina Aguilera: "A little twenties-style, fifties, forties thing." Way to narrow it down there, Christina. You know, one of those decades in the past.

John Norris: "Paris Hilton and Christina, where else do you see that?"
Rhias: "My nightmares?"
Me: "Every issue of People? The check-in desk at a rehab center?"

Good Charlotte isn't sure why they're standing next to Paris Hilton. They didn't think this was where their career was heading.

Sean "Puffy" Combs had to wait like ten minutes to make his entrance, because his boat came up at an inconvenient time. But I like his mohawk. And have I mentioned how impressed I am that after he got people to call him both "Puffy" and "Puff Daddy" he was able to get people to start calling him "P. Diddy"? There was some eye-rolling at first, but he pulled it off. Even Prince couldn't get people to buy off on the symbol.

Is Bruce Willis part of P. Diddy's posse now?

Wait, now Will Smith is the mayor of Miami? What happened to J-Lo? Did she go back to The Block (which I'm pretty sure is in The Bronx, not Florida)?

I love those video shirts that LL Cool J is using to advertise his, um, video. Not so much because of LL Cool J as because they look like something from Blade Runner. Or, I guess, Teletubbies.

In the opening of the award show proper (propah!), Usher is being rained on. I assume that they maximized comfort by heating the water to body temperature my having it dribble out of supermodels' mouths.

Yay! Trampolines!

Mental note: Find out the deal with Li'l Jon.
(Rhias: It's not a "mental" note if you write it down, is it?)

So . . . there's no host? At all? No clever monologue? No hip comedian? What happened to Dave Chappelle? Wasn't he in all the ads?

The crowd couldn't hear Hillary Duff's wacky schtick. And they were the lucky ones.

I dislike Jet. Rhias likes them. This means war!

Jon Stewart claims he doesn't have a posse. I'd be in Jon's posse.

It's Dave Chappelle, only an hour and a quarter into the show!

Rhias: "This whole thing feels like a halftime show."

Okay, this is where I stopped taking notes. So I'll go on to add that Dave Chappelle appeared once more, which means he was more than a regular presenter but still didn't seem like the host. The only joke he did that I really liked was when he asked the crowd if there was anything they didn't love. Also, it seemed like there were only about twelve people in the audience. After Puffy, Usher, Beyonce, and their various posses, the reaction shots tended to start over. I like Outkast (because they have the right attitude about being stars, plus they dress funny) and I was irritated that MTV made them pretend that "Hey Ya" was about voting. I was also annoyed that the director kept refusing to show the performers, preferring instead to focus on the big "Choose or Lose" banner. That was a running theme; in Alicia Keys' song (which I will have forgotten by this time tomorrow) they barely even showed the Legendary Superstar Musical Special Guest Stevie Wonder.