Monty's Guide to Moving

Let's say you're moving. Actually, let's say I'm moving, which is more convincing. Because, y'know, I really am moving. Although I guess you might be too. I mean, I can't rule it out. And just in case you are, I've got some tips.

Rule Number One: Start Early

The key here is that if you start the process early enough, then you can goof off a lot more. I, for example, am not moving for about a week and a half. But because I've already started boxing stuff up, I can take all the breaks I want. Right now, I could be working, but instead I am writing this. This is just another proof that anyone can accomplish anything, as long as they're avoiding doing something else.

Rule Number Two: Get Lots O' Boxes

My basic plan works like this: I get a whole lot of boxes. More than I think I'll need. This time out, I'm experimenting with the crazy idea of buying the boxes. You know, instead of begging for them at work or stealing a bunch of milk crates from the back of the nearest supermarket. Boxes aren't really all that expensive.

Then, when I have a million boxes, I just start filling them, almost without a plan. I started with my books (eighteen boxes worth), and now I just look around for "stuff". Then when the box is full, I label it and move on to the next one. Eventually, I figure that everything that's small enough to fit in a box will be, well, boxed. And then it's just a matter of getting the boxes to the new place and unpacking. It's all pretty simple.

So simple, in fact, that I'm going to take a sharp left turn here and tell you about this DVD I watched on Saturday. I'm a big fan of incomprehensible adaptations of Alexandre Dumas books, so when I saw this version of The Three Musketeers, I was all geeked up. See, it's from 1933. It's a serial. Starring John Wayne before he was a big star. And it's "modernized", which still means it's set seventy years ago in the French Foreign Legion when airplanes were fascinating.

It, well, it wasn't great. Apparently it was one of the earlier serials, and for that matter talkies hadn't been around very long either. They don't seem to have invented Foley Artists yet, because there aren't any sound effects, even in the (innumerable) fight scenes. People say their dialogue, and then start slugging each other in an eerie silence. But it was pretty good, all things considered. I mean, it was a six dollar DVD, and it was probably the least accurate Three Musketeers version ever. Even The Musketeer at least had guys named D'Artagnan and Porthos in it.

On an entirely different topic, here's something that's always struck me as odd about The West Wing. On that show, the President's staffers are portrayed as being semi-celebrities, right? Press Secretary CJ Cregg says things like "After the President, I'm the most visible member of the administration. I'm on television every night." Josh Lyman, whose job appears to involve wheedling at Congress, has fansites devoted to him. And so on. But I think I'm somebody who pays reasonably close attention, and I have no idea who the real White House usually sends over to the Capitol Building. Come to think of it, I never even know what bills the White House is pushing, but on The West Wing, they're constantly acting like winning those three or four extra votes in the Senate will make the difference in public opinion.

So just in case everyone else has been paying that much attention to the White House, I've decided to wildly overreact. Did you know that White House Press Briefings are available on the Internet? It's things like that that make me wonder why we have news programs. Why let the networks do the filtering? Now I can find out for myself what Press Secretary Scott McClelland was talking about when he said "I'm not aware of any updates on that matter either."

Actually, the briefings are pretty entertaining. I like watching people try not to answer questions.

Oh! One more thing. You sometimes see people making cruel fun of Jim Mullen in Entertainment Weekly, because he is a hack. But he really is. Check out this item from the most recent issue:

10. Fruitcake - If cockroaches will be the only survivors after a nuclear war, this is what they will eat.

Whoo. That joke was tired and hacky fifty years ago. Jim Mullen would be get thrown out of the Friars Club for using material like that. I'm a fan of jokes that aren't funny, and I think there's a chance that the fruitcake joke is the archetypal hack joke. Next week: Jim Mullen complains about airline peanuts.

That's right: I'm a fan of "jokes that aren't funny" and "incomprehensible adaptations of Alexandre Dumas books." I'm a complicated person. I'm also pretty hard to shop for.