December 04, 2003

Slow Cooking

I like frozen food that goes in the microwave. Don't get me wrong; I also like to cook. But I don't always want to cook. Sometimes, I just want to eat some food, and the combination of the frozen aisle at the supermarket and the microwave oven means that I'm usually no more than ten minutes from some eatin'.

My usual meal is the Swanson's Classic Fried Chicken, which comes with mashed potatoes and corn. I'm always looking for other options, though, because I don't want to get into too deep a rut. Plus, it seems like 20% of the time the mashed potatoes stay frozen solid. I'm willing to put up with that one-in-five occurence, though, because it's so easy.

Incidentally, did you see The Ninth Gate with Johnny Depp? There's a spot near the beginning of the movie where he tosses a frozen dinner in a microwave without even opening the box. The box of the dinner, I mean. Not the microwave. Oh, skip it. My point is that I'd like to be able to do that.

So I saw this Claim Jumper Country Fried Chicken meal the other day and I figured I'd try it. There's a chance it'll be good, right? And I get it home and then I looked at the instructions.

Microwave Instructions

Wow.

There are thirteen steps to this. That's pretty far from "Microwave until hot." If I wanted to go to that much effort, wouldn't I just use the oven? In fact, the oven instructions are shorter than the microwave instructions.

Pull tab on side of outer carton to open box - Are you kidding me? How dumb do I look here? Do they think that if they don't put that, I'll be confused when I get to the part about microwaving the food? "What food? I just see a box here!" It's not like this is one of those specialized boxes you sometimes get with pizzas or Hot Pockets where the box needs to be reconfigured into a special microwave-reflecting deals. Why do the instructions care how I open the box?

And then you'll notice there are three different cooking stages. You have to give it a minute on High, then take out the chicken, give it three more minutes, add the chicken back in, put the gravy pouch in a separate bowl, and go for "4-6 minutes or until hot". I don't understand why microwave instructions include "or until hot". How am I supposed to know if the food's hot yet? It's inside the microwave! I can't put my probe thermometer in there, can I?

And then there's the aftercooking. I hate leaving food alone in the microwave. Yeah, it allegedly keeps cooking. But if I was willing to wait for food, would I be microwaving my dinner?

This reminds me of Brian Regan's bit on Pop Tart instructions.

And you always know, no matter how ridiculously stupid any of these instructions are, they're only on the box because THERE ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE WHO NEEDED TO BE TOLD. The instruction to open the box is there because some dope filed a complaint. "My chicken tastes like cardboard!!"

Posted by: tomthedog at December 4, 2003 08:55 AM

It's like the instructions on a can of soup: Open can and place contents in pot.
My God, are you kidding? I can't just put the can in the pot? Or better yet, directly on the stove top? You know some idiot is out there with burn scars on his hands because he tried to open the can of soup AFTER he had cooked it, can and all.

Posted by: Jenn at December 4, 2003 09:30 AM

I agree, that's way too much effort for a nuked meal. However highly amusing to my feeble mind. I found your blog through Anna Rain's page btw. I'm not some looney stalker ;)

Posted by: Amber at December 4, 2003 12:44 PM

Okay, Claim Jumper obviously needs to get completely over itself, if it takes a flowchart to make their chicken.

And like Tom above said, people obviously are stupid enough to need the "hey, dumbass!" directions. Maybe not you, maybe not me, but somewhere.

Posted by: Dave at December 4, 2003 11:22 PM

My favorite stupid instructions are, of course the classic "Don't use in shower" on a hairdryer, and one I saw recently that instructed you where to open a slice of cheese. Printed on the slice of cheese. Yup, "Open Here" printed on the plastic covering of a slice of Land O Lakes cheese. What lawsuit do you think prompted that? "I can't get this cheese open! I'm suing!"

Posted by: Cristiane at December 5, 2003 04:54 AM

Ever since an incident with a Marie Callender meal, I always read the package directions before I buy new microwave meals.

Marie's spagetti and garlic bread has multiple steps AND you have to take the garlic bread out and bake it in a regular oven (or a toaster oven.) What? Waiting for an oven to heat up? Doesn't this defeat the whole purpose. Plus, I was at work where we don't HAVE a regular oven.

Marie does make a Most Excellent herb roasted chicken with mashed potatoes and vegetables, though. It takes more cooking time, but it doesn't have the long involved process.

Posted by: Sheila at December 5, 2003 11:53 AM

Really funny! Maybe they should have several more categories, like software, "quick microwave instructions," "full microwave instructions," "choosing the best set of instructions," and so on.

This is right up there with the fact that we get a seat belt lession every time they fly on a commercial airplane. Reminding us is ok, but why the visual demo every time? Does any one ever ask for clarification?

Posted by: Dan Hoogterp at December 8, 2003 03:34 PM



	« Haunted Mansion \| Main \| Moving On Up » December 04, 2003 Slow Cooking I like frozen food that goes in the microwave. Don't get me wrong; I also like to cook. But I don't always want to cook. Sometimes, I just want to eat some food, and the combination of the frozen aisle at the supermarket and the microwave oven means that I'm usually no more than ten minutes from some eatin'. My usual meal is the Swanson's Classic Fried Chicken, which comes with mashed potatoes and corn. I'm always looking for other options, though, because I don't want to get into too deep a rut. Plus, it seems like 20% of the time the mashed potatoes stay frozen solid. I'm willing to put up with that one-in-five occurence, though, because it's so easy. Incidentally, did you see The Ninth Gate with Johnny Depp? There's a spot near the beginning of the movie where he tosses a frozen dinner in a microwave without even opening the box. The box of the dinner, I mean. Not the microwave. Oh, skip it. My point is that I'd like to be able to do that. So I saw this Claim Jumper Country Fried Chicken meal the other day and I figured I'd try it. There's a chance it'll be good, right? And I get it home and then I looked at the instructions. Wow. There are thirteen steps to this. That's pretty far from "Microwave until hot." If I wanted to go to that much effort, wouldn't I just use the oven? In fact, the oven instructions are shorter than the microwave instructions. Pull tab on side of outer carton to open box - Are you kidding me? How dumb do I look here? Do they think that if they don't put that, I'll be confused when I get to the part about microwaving the food? "What food? I just see a box here!" It's not like this is one of those specialized boxes you sometimes get with pizzas or Hot Pockets where the box needs to be reconfigured into a special microwave-reflecting deals. Why do the instructions care how I open the box? And then you'll notice there are three different cooking stages. You have to give it a minute on High, then take out the chicken, give it three more minutes, add the chicken back in, put the gravy pouch in a separate bowl, and go for "4-6 minutes or until hot". I don't understand why microwave instructions include "or until hot". How am I supposed to know if the food's hot yet? It's inside the microwave! I can't put my probe thermometer in there, can I? And then there's the aftercooking. I hate leaving food alone in the microwave. Yeah, it allegedly keeps cooking. But if I was willing to wait for food, would I be microwaving my dinner?
	« Haunted Mansion \| Main \| Moving On Up »
	Comments This reminds me of Brian Regan's bit on Pop Tart instructions. And you always know, no matter how ridiculously stupid any of these instructions are, they're only on the box because THERE ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE WHO NEEDED TO BE TOLD. The instruction to open the box is there because some dope filed a complaint. "My chicken tastes like cardboard!!" Posted by: tomthedog at December 4, 2003 08:55 AM It's like the instructions on a can of soup: Open can and place contents in pot. My God, are you kidding? I can't just put the can in the pot? Or better yet, directly on the stove top? You know some idiot is out there with burn scars on his hands because he tried to open the can of soup AFTER he had cooked it, can and all. Posted by: Jenn at December 4, 2003 09:30 AM I agree, that's way too much effort for a nuked meal. However highly amusing to my feeble mind. I found your blog through Anna Rain's page btw. I'm not some looney stalker ;) Posted by: Amber at December 4, 2003 12:44 PM Am I retarded for not being able to keep up with these rocketscience-like instructions? They lost me with the penetration of gravy packets. Perverts. Posted by: jen at December 4, 2003 01:47 PM hahahahahahaha I'm starting to love it here. Posted by: Donna at December 4, 2003 05:46 PM Okay, Claim Jumper obviously needs to get completely over itself, if it takes a flowchart to make their chicken. And like Tom above said, people obviously are stupid enough to need the "hey, dumbass!" directions. Maybe not you, maybe not me, but somewhere. Posted by: Dave at December 4, 2003 11:22 PM My favorite stupid instructions are, of course the classic "Don't use in shower" on a hairdryer, and one I saw recently that instructed you where to open a slice of cheese. Printed on the slice of cheese. Yup, "Open Here" printed on the plastic covering of a slice of Land O Lakes cheese. What lawsuit do you think prompted that? "I can't get this cheese open! I'm suing!" Posted by: Cristiane at December 5, 2003 04:54 AM Ever since an incident with a Marie Callender meal, I always read the package directions before I buy new microwave meals. Marie's spagetti and garlic bread has multiple steps AND you have to take the garlic bread out and bake it in a regular oven (or a toaster oven.) What? Waiting for an oven to heat up? Doesn't this defeat the whole purpose. Plus, I was at work where we don't HAVE a regular oven. Marie does make a Most Excellent herb roasted chicken with mashed potatoes and vegetables, though. It takes more cooking time, but it doesn't have the long involved process. Posted by: Sheila at December 5, 2003 11:53 AM I hope that was some damn good fried chicken! Posted by: Meghan at December 7, 2003 05:40 PM Really funny! Maybe they should have several more categories, like software, "quick microwave instructions," "full microwave instructions," "choosing the best set of instructions," and so on. This is right up there with the fact that we get a seat belt lession every time they fly on a commercial airplane. Reminding us is ok, but why the visual demo every time? Does any one ever ask for clarification? Posted by: Dan Hoogterp at December 8, 2003 03:34 PM You Must Be On Some Good Shit Son! I Was Just Looking For "Cooking Dope Intrustions" And Look What I Have To Go Thru. Posted by: Asiria at January 12, 2004 09:41 AM Syndicate this site (XML)

Slow Cooking

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