October 13, 2003

Why I Hated "Kill Bill"

Because it sucked.

What? That's not enough? You want details? Fine. I got details. Stand back and give me room.

But before I begin, I have to warn you that I'll be mentioning plot details. If you're picky, those could be spoilers. Except, come on. There's barely a plot to spoil. And if you ask me, it's more like I'm warning you that the carton of milk you're about to drink from has been sitting out for four weeks. The movie comes pre-spoiled, is what I'm saying. So deal with it or go read some other website.

So let's get going. The main message of this movie is that Quentin Tarantino really likes seeing women covered in blood. If you're a fan of seeing a pregnant woman in a wedding dress get repeatedly punched in the face, this is the movie for you. If you think nothing enhances a woman's attractiveness like sprays of blood, you're going to want to own this on dvd. Me, I thought it was a little much. Uma Thurman gets beat up, sliced up, and practically disemboweled three or four times. She gets cleaned up between times, but that's mostly so she can reacquire wounds.

And she never really seems hurt. I mean, when it's convenient, she's on the brink of death. But then she shakes it off, because she's the Unstoppable Revenge Machine. Even Bruce Willis in Die Hard did a better job of conveying the cumulative effects of inhuman amounts of damage. There's never a drop of suspense in this movie, because it's obvious that Uma's going to kill everyone. And I mean everyone. Every stuntman they could find, some of them two or three times. As soon as I saw the trailer, I knew what was going to happen. And I was right. The only thing I found surprising was that Uma Thurman's toes aren't nearly as attractive as I would have thought.

And here's the big sin: it's not even cool. No, it isn't. It's "edgy". But big deal. Anyone can be edgy; all you have to do is have someone cut off a bunch of body parts accompanied by a lot of slow-motion blood spray. Oh, wait! Tarantino already did that! Some reviewers seem to be impressed with the anime sequence. Okay, first of all, if making part of your movie animated means it's good, then people have been tragically unfair to Xanadu. Second, if I want to watch a movie mess around with live-action and animation, I'll watch American Splendor. If I want to watch anime that screws around with scenes that look like still-frame comic book manga, I'll watch Fooly Cooly. Those are examples of things that are "edgy" and "good." Kill Bill is just a big handful of stuff Quentin Tarantino thinks are cool, like people carrying their swords onto airplanes.

He even takes things that I'd normally consider cool and make them boring. Like Japanese Schoolgirl Assassins. There are two in this movie (one animated, one real-world), and both of them made me yawn. Do you know how jaded I have to be before I yawn at the idea of a Japanese Schoolgirl Assassin?

I'm supposed to be mad at Miramax for cutting Kill Bill in half. But I can't imagine watching another almost-two-hours of this crap. I feel like if I watch one more clumsy origin story or another scene of Uma fighting back from the brink of death to kill someone, I'll -- I'll -- well, I don't know. I'd rather not find out. There was about enough "plot" in this movie to fill up ten minutes. And having seen it, I already know what's in Volume 2: Uma kills a bunch of people, eventually ending up at The Mysterious Bill, and maybe we see his face. But he's David Carradine! We've already seen his face. And then, I guess, Uma kills Bill. Or maybe he kills her. Either way, I don't care.

So why should I be mad at Miramax for telling Quentin Tarantino he couldn't release a four-hour version of this movie? If it had been two hours longer, it would have been two hours worse. This way, I was able to walk out in the middle of the movie without looking odd.

I think the problem here is that Tarantino is believing his own hype. The movie starts with a variety of stupid in-jokes (like "ShawScope") and eventually gets around to claiming that it's "The 4th Movie by Quentin Tarantino." Are there people sitting around counting Tarantino movies? And if there are, have they conveniently forgotten things like "Four Rooms" and "It's Pat"? Tarantino has made a million TV appearances, and if he spent more time writing and less time accepting cameo appearances, this movie might have been okay. But instead, he appears to have found a role-playing game notebook from eighth grade and put in all the "half-Japanese, half-French assassin" nonsense. And then he does a bunch of mixed-up time sequence scenes. He does that a lot, as you know if you're seen Reservoir Dogs or Pulp Fiction. Or the original script for True Romance. He's not doing it because it serves the story or because there's some narrative necessity; he just thinks it's "neat" so he does it a lot. It's like all the fancy camera tricks in Kill Bill -- why are they there? Because they look neat. No other reason. Blah.

Oh! About the dialogue. It was terrible. There wasn't a single convincing line in there. I've seen Star Trek episodes with more convincing line readings. I don't blame the actors; nobody could say this stuff and make it sound good. Even the Japanese scenes, of which it seemed there could have been fewer, were bad.

When I say I don't blame the actors, I mean that I don't blame them for not being able to make the words sound right. I do blame them, however, for taking the roles. Vivica A. Fox: do you really think your career is improved by playing a character who helps try to assassinate a pregnant bride, and then dies by getting stabbed through the chest while her four-year-old daughter looks on? When you die, is that the clip you want shown at the Academy Awards?

So, to sum up: I hated Kill Bill because: the dialogue was terrible, the action scenes appeared to just be an excuse for Quentin Tarantino to indulge his fetish for covering women in blood, and the characters were only cardboard cutouts for him to put long and uninteresting backstories on.

I am aware that some people will disagree with me. The current IMDB rating of Kill Bill is 8.5 out of 10, which means that the Internet thinks that Kill Bill is a better movie than To Kill a Mockingbird, The Maltese Falcon, and The Princess Bride. This is, of course, more evidence that the Internet is an idiot. According to RottenTomatoes, 81% of professional movie reviewers gave Kill Bill a positive review.

They're wrong.

Right on, Monty. I *hated* it and thought that all the reviewers must have been... I don't know, watching another movie or something. Although, I do have to say that the "Pussy Wagon" was highly amusing.

Posted by: Emily at October 13, 2003 01:23 AM

I'm on the fence on "Kill Bill". I wasn't nearly as impressed as I was with his other films, but I feel the need to say I liked it because every movie critic in the free world is jacking it over this movie. I'm glad you had the insight to explain why you didn't like it. But c'mon...the little schoolgirl assassin was pretty cool in her own way. You've gotta admit that.

Posted by: Uncle Bob at October 13, 2003 04:42 AM

I couldn't possibly disagree with you more, even if you added that this (for some reason) proves why Arnold Schwarzenegger will make a good governor. I mean, if you knew what you were in for, why did you see it?

You are right about Uma's toes, though. And her feet are HUGE! Like, MAN-huge.

Posted by: tomthedog at October 13, 2003 08:36 AM

The worst thing about Tarantino movies is that they're all basically schlocky -- it's just that some of them (Reservoir Dogs) are really, really good, entertaining schlock. Which Kill Bill isn't. But the fact that these schlocky movies are so fêted and showered with awards, then every stupid moron who likes them because they're fast and gory thinks he's a total cinephile, and you have to listen to them as you're walking out after the movie pontificating about how "you won't really appreciate it until you've seen it three or four times." Shut up, dateless losers.

Posted by: Wing Chun at October 13, 2003 09:41 AM

I've never given a crap about Tarantino one way or the other. I don't think he's all that and a bag of chips.

I liked this movie somehow, but I don't really know why, since I agree with about everything you said and am not normally into blood 'n gore (hell, I hid my face for most of the end of the movie). It disturbs me that I feel this way, but maybe it comes from watching Buffy too much or something. Or I just wish I could kick some ass, whichever.

Posted by: Jennifer at October 13, 2003 10:22 AM

Haven't seen it, probably won't because I find Tarantino absolutely insufferable. I saw a commercial with him saying, "The purpose of this movie is to test the depth of my talent. This is my spaghetti western, my kung-fu movie, my, blah blah blah." The guy went on and on about how brilliant he was and how his "talent" transects all genres. I think he's an ethnocentric snob who thinks he's a genius because he's brought Hong Kong Kung Fu artists to the American audience.

I didn't know how strongly I felt about this until I read your post. Good work.

Posted by: Reese at October 13, 2003 10:26 AM

I LOVED Kill Bill. No, there was nothing realistic about it. That didn't stop me from wanting to pump my arm and yell "Woo! ROCK!" during more than one scene. I just thought it was pure entertainment - nothing deep or meaningful or thought-provoking, just an ass-kicking fun flick. There was nothing in the movie that I took seriously, and that was a big part of what was appealing to me. Plus, the soundtrack kicked seventy three flavors of ass.

I don't analyze movies very often. I either like a film, or I don't, and I'm not always able to articulate why ("um, it just....sucked, and stuff"). I'm always impressed to see someone take the time to formulate a strong opinion like this - even though, you know, I don't agree.

Love, One of the Many Idiots on the Internet

Posted by: Sundry at October 13, 2003 12:19 PM

I hate this movie too, I haven't seen it and I'm not going to, but I hate it.
Honestly I don't see how people confuse paying tribute to kung fu movies, and totally ripping them off.

This is Quentin Tarantino showing us that to become rich and famous does not require a single original thought in your head just a decent amount of skill at stealing from dozens of old movies at once. As if the recent orgy of sequels wasn't bad enough this movie probably foreshadows a wave of hundreds of blatantly derivative movies coming to a theater near you (not to say that hollywood shies away from blaantly derivative works, but this is Tarantino leading the way towards blatantly derivative works being called "artistic").

Posted by: John at October 13, 2003 04:00 PM

yeah your dumb. kill bill was highly entertaining and i would like to see you do any kind of dialouge at all in a movie or let alone act. i hate people like you because all they do is sit on there ass and critize, your not out there doing anything and u believe the world owes u a favor. so screw you and your web site

Posted by: your dumb at October 14, 2003 08:41 AM

"i hate people like you because all they do is sit on there ass and critize"

"your not out there doing anything "

heh.

much better use of time.

lol

Posted by: jaykester at October 14, 2003 10:36 AM

I loved this film. I go to the movies to be entertained, and entertained I was. But I understand how some of it didn't get across very well, I think you really had to be a fan of old Chiba films to get a TON of in-jokes. The crappy beginning panel, the fake Tokyo skydrop from the window, and the "larger than life" action schtick that makes anything far more attractive than it really is. I saw an art form of camp, dedicated to old style 1960s and 1970s kung-fu flicks set to a modern twist. If you didn't grow up to these films, I bet a lot of it looked dumb and passed right over you, and that's not your fault. A lot of Kevin Smith movies do this, too. I don't think the film was trying to be pretentuous, but spoofing itself over its own inadequacies, and never took itself seriously. I didn't go to be moved, or to think deeply upon my own soul, I came to see gory fights with women, a simple plot, and good editing and directing. I was very pleased.

Posted by: PunkWalrus at October 14, 2003 10:44 AM

When watching "Kill Bill" it was obvious in the first 15 minutes of the film that QT was going after a quasi-spoof-replica of 70's kung-fu movies, but I was left with the question, why? Seventies kung-fu movies were a bit of a spoof to begin with. Is a spoof of a spoof really worth the amount of time and energy put into this film?

I'd also have to agree with the reviewer in his disdain for Tarantino's self-serving indulgence. Throughout "Kill Bill" I felt like I was watching all of QT's previous films, only without the incredible dialogue. I was dissapointed to say the least.

Let me just say that I found little of the movie offensive, and I can't really see where anyone could take the goriness of this film seriously. However, the blood spurting got old after the first half hour of the movie. By the end, I didn't really care if she defeated O-Ren at all... I just wanted it to be over.

Sorry QT, thumbs down.

Posted by: Brad Landers at October 15, 2003 08:03 AM

Hey Monty -- right on. I feel like I would be a cooler person if I liked this movie since all my coworkers have been sitting around foaming at the mouth over how much they loved it and how QT is a god among moviemakers or something. But what I managed to like about previous QT flicks was the infinitely (well, to some people anyway) quotable dialogue. The three or four lines of english dialogue that did make it into this flick were either completely forgettable or painfully stilted and pretentious. So I guess the blessing is that I won't have to listen to said coworkers quote anything from this film, eh?

Posted by: Robin at October 15, 2003 08:56 AM

"The current IMDB rating of Kill Bill is 8.5 out of 10, which means that the Internet thinks that Kill Bill is a better movie than To Kill a Mockingbird, The Maltese Falcon, and The Princess Bride. This is, of course, more evidence that the Internet is an idiot. According to RottenTomatoes, 81% of professional movie reviewers gave Kill Bill a positive review.

They're wrong. "

First of all, there's everything wrong with this comment. Wrong? How so when everything is an opinion. There is no fact that says which movie is BETTER than the other, there's no such thing. All there is is opinion. Just as my opinion is that Kill Bill is a good movie.

Second, this movie is nothing more than an homage to old martial-arts movies that Tarantino grew up upon (as did many of us), not that he like blood-covered women as you so well like to state. Three references that prove my homage point is: Thurman wears a yellow outfit like the one Bruce Lee wore in "Game of Death"; Tarantino uses several bits of music from television and other films like the themes from TV shows "The Green Hornet" and "Ironside" and the film "White Lightning"; and Sonny Chiba as Hattori Hanzo/sushi bar chef who is renowned as a martial arts master appearing in over 100 martial arts films.

Third, the fact that you reference Fooly Cooly or more correctly Furi Kuri is humerous to me. Production I.G. which produced BOTH Furi Kuri and the anime sequence in Kill Bill defeats your whole purpose. To refer one good and the other not is preposterous. But then again, you probably didn't know they were made by the SAME company.

So in my opinion, Kill Bill is a good movie in that it does what it intended to and much more. Tarantino pushes the envelope in the violence and gore which may be over the top, but in either sense, no one has done before. The cinematics in the movie are done well. The addition of the anime fits well seeing as how this is a martial arts film and in anime, martial arts is a favorite. The anime is done well on top of that doing the scenes that would be impossible to film without CGI and even then it would look weird IMO. The casting of big stars is an added bonus showing only how well acclaimed Tarantino is in the business. The music may very well be the best part of the movie with an outstanding soundtrack.

Is Kill Bill my favorite movie? Maybe not. Is it my favorite Tarantino movie? Maybe, maybe not as I am partial to Reservoir Dogs. Is it a good movie? To ME, it is a great movie that is very fun. But that's my opinion. Remember: Everyone's a critic.

Posted by: John at October 15, 2003 07:20 PM

"I hate this movie too, I haven't seen it and I'm not going to, but I hate it."

"so screw you and your web site"

"To refer one good and the other not is preposterous."

"Shut up, dateless losers."

Gosh, there are so many eloquent, well-reasoned arguments on both sides, I don't know WHAT to think!

Posted by: tomthedog at October 15, 2003 08:59 PM

While I am familiar with some of the basic tropes, I don't believe I've ever watched even one "70s kung fu movie", or anything similar, in its entirety.

I've also never watched any of Quentin Tarantino's previous films.

I absolutely loved Kill Bill.

At this point, I've given up all hope of trying to figure out what opinion any individual will have regarding this movie.

Monty: What about the soundtrack, at least? I'm buying it suite tout.

Posted by: Robert Hutchinson at October 15, 2003 10:39 PM

lookie here,

Obviously you mistook the story and the whole movie experience. Your views on the movie are shallow and maybe you should spend more time thinking about what was good rather than what sucked ,especially if it's something you spent your time and money on. I wouldn't want to spend my time or money on something and then come out of it all negative. So the fact that you did makes you a big sucker. Kill bill is supposed to be un-real thats why it is stylized, and the squirting blood is supposed to look " un-real" DUH! didn't you get the point after the first couple of people being killed?
As for the swords on the airplane : we know swords on airplanes are not allowed, so the fact that everyone on the plane had their swords conveniently in their " sword holders", that scene alone, should set off a siren in your mind saying " HELLO IT'S FAKE!" it's not supposed to be a moral movie! The lines that the actors said were supposed to be said that way! Because the whole thing is a joke. It is obviously not a sheakspearian movie so the lines weren't meant to be theatrical. You want sonnets ? Go watch Romeo and Juliet. The movie is rated "R", And I don't know about you ,but usually when I go to an "R" rated movie I notice that it isn't a barney flick!
As for your comment on actors career moves? Doing a movie with Quentin Tarantino is NEVER a wrong career choice. It doesn't matter what you are in, sometimes its only the name that counts.. A good example about this is Monica lewinsky . I could name millions of people that have done far more impressive and breakthrough things for humanity than she ever did. But she will always be more famous and recognized than ,lets say, a rocket scientist. WHY? because who was she involved with? The President. NAMES people, names. For those of you who don't like kill bill , fine, you are entitled to your opinion. For those of you who do like the movie, Right on! you get it, you know the references in the movie and you appreciate it's style. And for those of you who haven't seen it , go see it so you can come back here and share your piece. Oh! Excellent music!

Posted by: kill bill and you at October 16, 2003 04:44 PM

Just for the record, considering the lovely triple-post above this one, I have no problem whatsoever with Monty hating any film, and I even have a pretty good understanding of why he hated this particular film.

Now, let's go nurture our obsessions somewhere else, hm?

Posted by: Robert Hutchinson at October 16, 2003 11:33 PM

I thought it was as we say in this part of the world (ireland)...SHITE...
I loved his other movies...but he seems to have dragged up all the indulgent crap that was not prominent, or to the fore in his other movies and decided to bring them on stage...i sat in a crowded cinema (first screening) and I was not alone in sighing relief at the end...and quickly deciding...well i will give volume 2 a miss...
Get back to what your good at QT..dialogue, characters...leave all the indulgent violent orgasmic crap to those quiet few moments when you are actually having a crap...

Posted by: Hairless Harry the incredibly happy hippo at October 17, 2003 11:28 AM

Ever thought the majority on imdb and 81% are "right"and you are "wrong"

(there is no right and wrong but i think that reviewer all the way up ^ there somewhere doesnt see that)

Posted by: Dooda at October 18, 2003 07:54 AM

I agree with HARRY...and i also agree with the dumbass dude (but what a suckhead name) KILL BILL SUCKS...
so DOODA kiss my lily white Turkish ass

Posted by: Chalkie Tampax at October 18, 2003 10:38 AM

dude just cos i said you need english lesson probably should suggest or plant a seed of doubt...leading you to infer that perhaps with my superior articulation and embellishment of the fact:that yes, you do need english lessons...only if to know that, yes English takes a capital E.
Please do not reply stating that you capitalized English...ambiguity or stealth in decision is at best a lenghty distraction dude..
so please try this website to better one's awful command of the chosen dialect

and twas a right shite film

Posted by: Chalkie Tampax at October 18, 2003 06:45 PM

Why I Hated "Kill Bill"

Comments