I Changed My Mind

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that I was planning on having LASIK eye surgery. I was a little nervous, but I was finally going forward with the plan of getting lasers shot in my eyes.

Since then, a few people have asked me how it went. And then it's been a little awkward because I, um, didn't have it done. There were a few basic reasons for the change in plans. The price I was quoted turned out to be for one eye, not both. And I understand that that's the standard practice, but I specifically asked if the price covered everything, and I was assured that it was all I'd have to spend. Apparently, the person on the phone was under the impression that I only wanted one eye fixed. Because monocles are on their way back. I also wasn't a hundred percent impressed with the doctor. He said he'd done thousands of these operations -- excuse me, "procedures" -- and I'm sure that's true. But he was kind of old, and he had a cough. It's not that I'm opposed to people having coughs, but his hands tended to jump when he coughed, and I don't want any of that going on when people are pointing lasers at me.

But the main reason I changed my mind is that I chickened out.

See, I have this bad habit of reading documentation. When I had a root canal, I wanted to know exactly what they were going to be doing. And while it was a little unnerving (specifically, the part about sticking something into a hole in my tooth and sucking out all the dead tissue), they didn't kid around. They admitted up front that it was going to be a long, unpleasant process. Which it was. However, the LASIK brochure said that not only was it "painless", it was "comfortable". Yes! The patient remains "fully comfortable throughout the procedure."

And I'm not sure I believe that. Especially because the paragraph that emphasized comfort was right after the one that used the phrase "eyelid speculum". Gah! Eyelid speculum? Are you kidding me? Even before they put the little guillotine thing to slice up my cornea, I don't think an eyelid speculum is going to be "comfortable". That's the thing they had in Clockwork Orange. And also in the video for "Welcome to the Jungle". They don't look comfortable, do they? Those things don't belong in a doctor's office. They belong in the bedroom.

No, hang on. That's not right. I mean, who could afford those things for recreational use? The thing is, even if there's no physical discomfort, I'm absolutely positive that if I lay on a couch with my head strapped down, had my eyes forced open, and had to stare directly into a laser, well, I'd be edgy. In fact, I'd probably be scared stiff. And I realize they give patients Valium to help deal with that, but that's a whole different issue. I'm not crazy about the idea of a perfectly safe, entirely comfortable fifteen-minute procedure that requires mood-altering drugs to get me through it without completely freaking out.

Because let's face it: this is a scary procedure. I'm not convinced by the various scare stories on the Internet, mind you. I realize that some of the time it goes wrong, but I like the odds. In theory. When it comes to the prospect of actually smelling eyeball smoke? Ugh. I'm not at all crazy about that.

So I'm still wearing glasses. Officially, it's because I was misinformed about how much the surgery was going to cost me. Off the record, though, I was just scared.