Radar Magazine

There's a new magazine in town called Radar. It's been described as "Spy meets National Enquirer", which obviously means nothing whatsoever. But since Entertainment Weekly seems to be phasing out words in favor of many large pictures, I figured it might be time to check out Radar.

The cover of the premiere issue is a seductive orange. Wait, not seductive. What's that other thing? Annoying. It's annoying. And it doesn't help that it's got Jennifer Lopez's face all over it. It promises "Pop -> Politics -> Scandal -> Style" and "fresh intelligence". The cover story appears to be "Meet the Scariest People in America".

Between the cover and the Table of Contents lies many two-page ad spreads. Calvin Klein, Target, Lauder Intuition for Men, Sean John, and Henri Bendel. So it's mostly fashion (if your definition of fashion can be stretched to include Target). The ToC description of the Scary People article says "They abuse their assistants. They expose their genitals to their abused assistants. Meet the Monster Class of 2003, America's nastiest power players. Don't say we didn't warn you." Remember how Spy used to obsess on Leona Helmsley? It looks like they're trying that here, too.

After the Contents, but before they get around to actual content, they've got a really self-indulgent page devoted to pictures of their contributors. I appreciate the effort, though, because otherwise I would not have been warned that their home entertainment columnist is Bret Easton Ellis. I need Bret Easton Ellis telling me what XBox game to buy?

Next up is a letter from the editor, with an obnoxiously bright yellow background. So far all I've learned about the direction of this magazine is that the art director likes big swaths of bright color. The most revealing part is when he says "Radar aims to be one of those rare titles -- like Rolling Stone in the '60s, Spy in the '80s, and Vanity Fair in the '90s -- that captures a cultural moment by getting there first." First of all, I'd be pretty ticked off if I were Rolling Stone or Vanity Fair. I mean, they may not be as relevant as they used to be, but it's not like they're dead and gone or anything. Second, note that he doesn't claim that they're going to achieve relevance by anything so gauche as quality. No, their plan is to be "first" at . . . whatever it is they're doing.

Anyway, the rest of the letter talks about being "irreverent but not cynical" and having "bite". In other words, it doesn't mean a thing.

Now. I was about to go through and comment on the whole magazine. But I can't do it. I will say that they've done a pretty good job of recreating the bits of Spy I didn't like. For example, they've got one of those features where they have a glossary of words that don't exist. Like Sniglets, you know? Except that they're "edgy" and include references to the Internet, Wolfgang Puck, and celebrities. Those are already pretty obnoxious, not to mention being in a lot of magazines already. But Radar's is by Faith Popcorn! Isn't that just too precious? And then on the next page, there's a feature on "What would Jesus drive?" It's like they tried to imagine how self-satisfied Spy would be if it was still around. But I'm only on page 35, so I guess I should at least flip forward to find out who the scary people are. Okay, from here on out, just brief notes.

Page 42: They refer to the latest McSweeney's thing as "hipper-than-thou". Now, I'm not saying they're wrong. In fact, tomorrow I shall be saying something very similar. But Radar is not the people to be pointing fingers.

Page 46: The top half of the page is an article in praise of Helvetica. The font. And then the bottom half is a thing where you try to match the overwrought prose to the book you've never heard of.

Page 53: An article about Noelle Bush, Jeb's daughter. Including three pictures by paparazzi and two mug shots.

Page 58: Something about washed-up reality tv stars. What's the point of that? They're washed up! And they're not even washed-up real stars! Are there people desperate to know who Chiara Berti (from Big Brother 3) is dating? If there are, let me save you the trouble: It's Mike, from Big Brother 2. Happy now?

Pge 68: It's the Scary People article. Have I mentioned that there are a lot of collages in this magazine? Well, there are. Anyway, most of the stories of celebrity misbehavior is stuff that happened at photo shoots. About Courtney Love: "On a recent Q magazine photo shoot in London, stripped naked, set fires, and got a bikini wax in a room full of people." That sentence is highlighted in yellow, which is a practice I would ordinarily condemn. Except this time, because that sentence deserves it. That sounds like it was quite a photo shoot!

Page 82: An article about Kinko's? I was just thinking the other day how odd it is that Kinko's is still there, considering that most Internet Coffee Houses have publishing software available.

Page 86: A bunch of photos from a night-time fashion party. Or something.

Page 99: Kicking off the review section, there's a painting called "Minni Mounds: The Lost Paintings of 1965", which looks like a Mounds bar being unwrapped to reveal a naked woman. They cover the woman's breasts with a censor-bar saying "not Cameron Diaz's breasts" and then devote a sidebar to whether it's Cameron Diaz. It clearly isn't, as this woman has breasts.

Page 101: A small article by someone who doesn't like anime, employing the phrases "hipster squad", "arguably the 2002 film most overrated by easily wowed American critics" and "crude drawings whose look hasn't evolved much since Speed Racer."

Page 102: I hate the music reviews. I hate almost all music reviews. You can just mix-n-match these things. Who can tell which album is "big-ass guitar solos and lots o' yowling" and which is a "well-produced pastiche of disco clich�s and electro-bubblegum pop", anyway?

Back cover ad: The Gap. Inside back cover ad: Fox News Channel. I don't get it.

So there you go. New magazine. Pretty annoying. Combines Spy's obsession with obnoxious layout with Spy's obsession with celebrities. Not as much New York stuff, though, which is good.