Used Book Score

Let's talk about used book stores. Not the kind that have a bunch of recent remainders and a few heavily-read Harlequin Romances, but the kind that have stacks of old hardbacks lining the staircases and smell heavily of musty books. The kind that has tiny little alcoves in the back where you find the gardening books. The kind like Wahrenbrock's in San Diego, one of my all-time favorite bookstores.

When I was in San Diego for Christmas, I went to Wahrenbrock's, and made one of those outrageous scores you dream about. It made getting home a little difficult because I came home with sixteen extra books. I was fine until I hit the humor section, and then my taste for antique humor kicked in.

• Will Rogers' Illiterate Digest
• The Complete Upmanship, by Stephen Potter
• Write If You Get Work: The Best of Bob & Ray
• From Approximately Coast to Coast . . . It's the Bob & Ray Show
• The New! Improved! Bob & Ray Book
• Benchley -- Or Else!, by Robert Benchley
• Nods and Becks, by Franklin P. Adams
• Potter on America, by Stephen Potter
• A Law Unto Themselves, by C. Northcote Parkinson
• Left Luggage, by C. Northcote Parkinson
• The Law & The Profits, by C. Northcote Parkinson
• In-Laws and Out-Laws, by C. Northcote Parkinson
• Ben-Hur, by Lew. Wallace
• Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, by Jules Verne
• The Invisible Man, by H.G. Wells
• Tarzan of the Apes, by Edgar Rice Burroughs

WILL ROGERS' ILLITERATE DIGEST

Oh boy! Political humor from 1924!

I've always heard how great Will Rogers was, but nothing I've seen by him ever impressed me as being remotely funny. His signature line that always shows up in references is "I never met a man I didn't like" (which has almost the same rhythm as W.C. Fields' "Never Give a Sucker an Even Break"), and that's nice, but it's not funny.

Apparently, Rogers was on stage somewhere in vaudeville once doing his lariat-spinning routine when he decided to make an unscripted crack. "Swinging a rope ain't bad, as long as it ain't from your neck," he said. And the crowd went nuts. I don't see it, myself. Then again, I don't see the rope-spinning part as being all that great on its own.

So I got this book, which is 350 pages of Will Rogers from when he was in the Ziegfeld Follies, although these aren't the Follies routines themselves. Some of the lines no doubt are, but most of it was designed to be read. And some of it is (this is a line I'm required by law to say) as relevant today as it was when it was written:

"With all the mechanical improvements they have in the way of adding machines, and counting machines, they can't seem to invent anything to take the place of the old Political mode of counting -- two for me and one for you. More people have been elected between Sundown and Sunup, than ever were elected between Sunup and Sundown." It's a shame I don't put political quotes in my .signature, because that one seems pretty good.

Anyway, Will Rogers was mighty popular in his time, and was in 54 movies from 1918 through 1935, many of them with titles like "Cupid the Cowpuncher." His humor isn't particularly funny anymore, but it's at least readable. And it's fun reading contemporary jokes about Presidents Taft and Wilson. I am distinctly pleased with this purchase. Did I mention that it still has its dust cover? I'm quite impressed that it survived 77 years.

THE COMPLETE UPMANSHIP

Gamesmanship is defined in the OED as "Skill in winning games, esp. by means that barely qualify as legitimate." The word was invented by Stephen Potter, and this is the book (well, series of books) that it comes from. I've read it an absurd number of times, from libraries in Seattle and San Diego. I'm absolutely thrilled to have my own copy at last. It's a collection of four books, called Gamesmanship, Lifemanship, One-upmanship, and Supermanship, where Potter explores the concept of how to win at games without actually cheating or being a technically poor sport. An example of the sort of thing involved is that at golf, it's being a bad sport to take an irritatingly long time looking for your ball, but it's excellent gamesmanship to spend an irritatingly long time looking for your opponent's ball.

The whole thing is done in a mock-educational tone, referring to officicially-designated ploys and counter-ploys. By the last book, there's an official Institute of Gamesmanship and ther people from footnotes in the first book are now members of the Board. For some reason, claiming that a given technique of annoying your opponent was originally published in Pamphlet AC/81 makes the whole thing much funnier.

As the concept goes along, Potter eventually moves from Gamesmanship to Lifemanship, and presents ploys for getting one-up in business, on the train, everywhere. It's great. It makes me want to learn to play golf just so I can put some of this to the test. This omnibus edition was released in 1970, although the individual books were written in the fifties.

Bob & Ray Books

• WRITE IF YOU GET WORK: THE BEST OF BOB & RAY
• FROM APPROXIMATELY COAST TO COAST . . . IT'S THE BOB & RAY SHOW
• THE NEW! IMPROVED! BOB & RAY BOOK

Wow! I spend all this time looking for one Bob & Ray book, and I score THREE AT ONCE!

Bob & Ray. Bob Elliott is the father of weird funny-guy Chris Elliott, and played his father on "Get a Life". Enough about that. If I may create a metaphor, it's like discussing Stiller and Meara by only talking about Jerry's kid Ben. This is about the old folks here.

Bob & Ray had a radio show, and it was funny. Really funny. Later, they had a television show, and it was fairly amusing as well. The television show was what introduced me to them, since The Comedy Channel used to air them back in the All-Stand-Up-All-The-Time days. Unlike with the Will Rogers book, I can quote big sections of these books that make me laugh out loud:

JIMMY: Gosh-all hemlock, Mr. Science. What's that piece of laboratory equipment you're lighting with a match?

MR. SCIENCE: This device is called a candle, Jimmy.

JIMMY: A candle! Holy suffering catfish. Wait'll I tell all the kids at school I've seen one of those.

MR. SCIENCE: Now, just try to keep your enthusiasm under control, boy. We still haven't gotten to the most amazing part. Watch what happens when I hold this test tube filled with water over the lighted candle.

JIMMY: Golly Moses, Mr. Science! Nothing happened at all.

MR. SCIENCE: Well, that's only because the water hasn't been heated quite long enough yet. Remember, I told you that all chemical properties are converted from liquid to vapor once their temperature rises sufficiently.

JIMMY: Great Jumping Jehoshaphat! The water's started to get all bubbling on top. I guess doing that instead of turning into a vapor offers conclusive proof that water'' not a chemical property. Right, Mr. Science?

MR. SCIENCE: No. That's not quite correct, Jimmy. You see, those bubbles indicate that the water is starting to boil. And now, if you'll look closely, you can see steam beginning to rise from the test tube.

JIMMY: Oh, wowie-two-shoes! But that stuff sure looks an awful lot like the smoke that was rising from the candle. You wouldn't try to slip me the old rubber peach just because I'm a gullible child, would you, Mr. Science?

I'm smiling right now, typing that. The rubber peach line was my .signature line for a long time. And I used to go around saying "Great day in the morning, Mr. Science!" regardless of the fact that nobody but me understood it. Bob & Ray were brilliant surrealist comics. I like Chris Elliott fine, but Bob was so much funnier. Write if you get work. And hang by your thumbs.

BENCHLEY -- OR ELSE!, by Robert Benchley

Robert Benchley is so great. I swear to god, the fact he isn't the most recognized comic writer in the world just shows that humanity has a short attention span. I've already got eight Benchley books (counting the collection of his theatrical reviews for the New Yorker and other fancy-pants publications), and I wasn't sure if I already owned this one. As it happens, I didn't, but most of the articles in it also appear in the other books I own. But I don't care, because it's a First Edition! I'm not quite dancing around in my chair in glee at getting a Robert Benchley First Edition, but it's close.

Benchley can't be easily quoted (except for "The Menace of Buttered Toast", which is probably my favorite two or three pages of humor in the world), so I'll spare the world the quoting. But I will emphasize that at the Algonquin Round Table, Robert Benchley and Dorothy Parker were of equal stature. Alexander Woolcott and Franklin P. Adams were of higher rank, but we'll ignore that for now. If you watch "Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle" (and you really should, you know), you'll see lots of Campbell Scott as Robert Benchley being charming.

Benchley also did a certain amount of movie work, mostly creating short subjects for play before features. I have a videotape of some of them. That's not strictly relevant to the book, but I wanted to emphasize how much of a Benchley fan I am. I occasionally steal turns of phrase and punchlines from him on the theory that no one will notice, and if they do, they'll at least be impressed by my taste.

NODS AND BECKS, by Franklin P. Adams

Speaking of the Algonquin Round Table, here's someone who's stock has dropped dramatically in 55 years. In the mid-forties, F. P. A.'s "Connning Tower" was one of the most read, most important columns in the country. When he said something, people listened, I tell you!

And now who's heard of him? Only Algonquin junkies like me. At the time, like I said, he was probably second at the Table to Alexander Woolcott, whose books are utterly unreadable today (I've got two!). F.P.A. is readable and somewhat engaging. Although he's a big of a show-off, since much of the book is devoted to his appearances on "Information Please", a trivia show. So he feels the need to convince you that he knows stuff.

Here's an example from when he was first asked to be on "Information Please":

"Well," he said, "I've got an idea to do a quiz program in reverse. The public sends in questions for a panel of experts - experts of whom you might be one."

"What questions?" I asked. "As for instance?"

"Well," he said, "who was the Merchant of Venice?"

"Antonio," I said.

That's right," he said, obviously astonished at my omniscience. "Most people say Shylock."

"Not the people I am in the habit of associating with," I said, with utter and somewhat snobbish truth.

This made five Algonquin Round Tablers whose books I’ve read - in a addition to Parker, Benchley, and Woolcott, I’ve got Harpo Speaks. And it’s pretty good, too; Harpo Marx was a better writer than you’d think.

POTTER ON AMERICA, by Stephen Potter

Never heard of it. But I’m awfully fond of the Gamesmanship books, so it’s got to be worth a try. It’s a diary of two trips to America. I’m not sure what good it’s going to do me having a record of what a Londoner thought of the United States in 1955, but what the heck. You can’t go wrong with clash-of-cultures humor when both cultures have irrevocably changed. There's a certain amount of lordly superciliousness in the tone of this book; Potter is looking down his nose at the colonials. Which inevitably means that the Las Vegas section is deeply amusing.

C. Northcote Parkinson

• THE LAW & THE PROFITS
• IN-LAWS AND OUT-LAWS
• A LAW UNTO THEMSELVES
• LEFT LUGGAGE

Ever heard of Parkinson’s Law? It’s the rule that work expands to meet the staff. There are corollaries, like the work expanding to meet the time allotted, but the basic rule is that eight people can do the work of one.

Parkinson’s Law is a great book, and was the precursor of The Peter Principle. It (like the Gamesmanship books) is full of mock-official doubletalk. It’s great. I had no idea that Parkinson ever wrote anything else, but here’s FOUR books! Not bad! I bought them all because you never know when you’ll see them again.

The Law & The Profits appears, on a quick skimming, to be a serious work about taxes. This is not a naturally humorous topic.

In-Laws and Outlaws looks properly amusing, however, being a book on business administration in such methods as the avoidance of paperwork and choosing the correct father-in-law.

A Law Unto Themselves (note how Parkinson incorporates the word "Law" into as many of his titles as possible, to remind people of the popular book) is a collection of personality profiles of people I’ve never heard of. When Will Cuppy did it, it was funny, but even then he was doing people like Cleopatra.

Left Luggage is "A Caustic History of British Socialism from MARX to WILSON". It appears insufficiently caustic to be amusing, but I may be missing something.

BEN-HUR, by Lew. Wallace

Ever seen Ben Hur? Me neither. I've seen parodies, though.

The book is wordy and preachy. That’s "preachy" in the specific sense, in that it wants you to know all about Jesus. You know, sometimes you find a Classic for the first time, and you’re wondering how come you never see it at a regular bookstore? Sometimes there’s a reason.

TWENTY THOUSAND LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA, by Jules Verne

The subtitle is "The Marvelous and Exciting Adventures of Pierre Aronnax, Conseil, his Servant, and Ned Land, a Canadian Harpooner." We’re gonna have some fun now!

I was inspired to get this because I just finished the collection of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and Captain Nemo appears in it. It reminded me that I don’t really know much about the original version of Captain Nemo. Also, the Secret Adventure of Jules Verne is about to appear on television, and I'd like to be conversant with the source material.

THE INVISIBLE MAN, by H.G. Wells

This is a cheap paperback, bought because The Invisible Man is in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen too. Also, I just saw Abbott & Costello Meet the Invisible Man. I would’ve gotten an older edition, but I like to have ridiculously cheap paperbacks occasionally.

Having finished it, I can report that the original Invisible Man is not very accurately represented in either the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (where he's a sociopathic rapist, and that's only in the first couple panels of his appearance) or the Abbott and Costello movie (although he only stole the fornula from the earlier invisible man, they refer to the theory that the invisibility potion eventually drives the user insane; that's just not in the book at all.).

I was impressed that Wells had apparently put more thought into the concept than any of his imitators; food even takes awhile to become assimilated and fully invisible. Up to that point, it's rather revolting.

TARZAN OF THE APES, by Edgar Rice Burroughs

Another cheap paperback. I bought this as part of my spree, since it was only a dollar. This is the first Tarzan book, which means it’s the first appearance of Tarzan, who has gone on to be one of the iconic figures of literature and cinema. Here’s what it says in the book:

"No school boy needs to look up the definition of Tarzan in Webster’s Third New International Dictionary because he knows as well as did his father and grandfather who this addition to our gallery of folk heroes is. Tarzan has taken his place in American literature alongside Paul Bunyan and Pecos Bill, John Henry, Mike Fink, Stormalong, and Tony Beaver."

Obviously, I have no idea who the last three of them are. And although I know who the first three are, Tarzan hasn’t "taken his place" with them. He’s outstripped them completely. But although I've seen movies and television shows and Saturday morning cartoons (co-starring the Lone Ranger and Zorro), I've never read the original. And like I say, there was a spree going on.