How to Rule the World

So you wanna rule the world? Good for you! So many people wander aimlessly across the Internet with no goals in mind, and here you are brimming with hope, looking to the future, and planning to enslave every man, woman, and domestic animal on the face of the earth. My hat is off to you! You stand as a beacon of hope for the youth. The children look to you as a dynamic leader, and you're doing an excellent job.

You should be aware that the path ahead will be tricky. Dangers will await you on every side. In this respect, your quest will be much like surfing the Internet. But don't be discouraged, for you hold in your metaphorical hands a sure-fire guide to Total World Domination. All you have to do is follow these steps and you are absolutely 100% guaranteed to end up personally deciding the fate of every single one of the billions of people in the world. All I ask is that you rule kindly, and maybe set me up as Grand Vizier or something.

Step One: Seize Control of a Country

Oh, relax. It doesn't have to be a large one. All you need is to pick out a country, any country, and take control of it. This will be your base of power, and will be how people think of you. If you take control of Canada, you will shortly be known as the Canadian Madman or something. It might be a good idea to pick a country with a short, punchy name, because if you become the tyrannical ruler of Trinidad and Tobago, the people on CNN will have a hard time summing you up in those catchy "Crisis in the Caribbean" graphics.

A few good ways to take over a country are:

1. Violence. This is tried and true. An AK-47 in the ear will discourage even the most "reluctant" president from hanging around where he's not wanted. You might want to bring along a ruthlessly vicious and terrifyingly loyal army when you stage your coup, or the old president's army might object. And remember, the old army is almost certainly better-paid and better-equipped than yours is.
2. Work From Within. If sudden violence isn't your thing, you can always follow the rules. Some countries have whole Constitutions full of ways that any Joe Random Lunatic can end up in charge. And almost all countries have bureaucracies through which you can rise until you end up in a position even more powerful that the supposed Czar. On the other hand, his method is long, slow, and boring. And with one wrong move, you could find yourself stuck in the Department for the Realignment of Lemmings, Gophers, and Trash Cans.
3. Bribery. If you have the funds, you could just up and buy the current powers that be. It's quick, it's efficient, and best of all, it doesn't hurt anybody's feelings. Unless you forget to grease everyone in sight. So many attempted power-grabs have failed because one key person felt left out.

Step Two: Declare War on your Neighbors

Okay, so you own a small chunk of the planet. Big deal. This is no time to rest on your laurels. There's dozens of countries out there. Maybe hundreds. I didn't count them, but the CIA World Factbook has thirteen and a half screensful. No, wait, I found another site that says there's 191. So that's a lot, and all you control is one country. Your great journey has just begun. Remember: There are many countries and they will all be yours.

So the first thing to do is declare war on your neighbors and seize control of them quickly and efficiently, with as little blood and bad feeling as possible. You'll want to continue this until you control an entire continent. That's when you know you're really getting somewhere. Well, unless it's Antarctica or Australia. I mean no disrespect to Australia, you understand; it's just that it seems like one of the easier continents to rule. Right now, for example, somebody named "John Winston Howard" appears to be in charge of the place, unless you buy that story about Queen Elizabeth II.

Step Three: Incinerate New York City

This is not really vital for World Domination, but let's face it: this should have been done decades ago.

Step Four: Continue Your Hunlike Rampage With Murderous Efficiency, Sweeping Across the Globe, Claiming Country After Country Until At Last There Is Nowhere That Is Immune To Your Wrath

Congratulations! You rule the whole world! But . . . could it be? Might there be . . . life? On other planets? Could they be conspiring with the rebel forces on this planet? For there are rebel forces, make no mistake about that. They're conspiring in the back alleys against you. They resent you for showing them how easy world domination is for someone with gumption. The evil ones, they're trying to depose you. They're working from the inside and outside. And now they've got extraterrestrial help! Something must be done.

Step Five: Begin Raining Nuclear Bombs on the Planet, Destroying Those Who Would Destroy You

Ha! Take that, Europe! So long, Asia! No you're safe! Now that it's just you! You and your trusted advisor George. But can George really be trusted. He's been looking at the skies oddly . . . perhaps he's in league with them?

Step Six: Shoot George in the Head

There! That should do it! Now you're the only one in the world! You're the King! You're the Emperor! You're -- hey! What are these little green people? Aiieeee! The Andromedans! They've come for you! Nooooooo!

Step Seven: Live Out the Rest of Your Miserable Existence in Miserable Slavery in a Different Galaxy

Nice going, bonehead!