My Old .signatures

Hey. So how's it going?

Yeah. Good. Okay. Look, here's the deal: I worked all weekend, so I don't really have anything new to talk about, except for the mostly terible movies I watched, and no one wants to hear about how bad the "special version" of Highlander: Endgame is. However, I recently noticed that Google has updated its Usenet Archives (which it got from Deja) to include messages all the way back to 1995.

As soon as I found this out, I immediately went on a binge of reading my own old messages. I don't recommend that anyone else read my old messages, because with a few exceptions, they're pretty uninteresting, reflecting the fact that I had a lot of time on my hands and an probably-unhealthy interest in the card game "Shadowfist". I was a much better poster in 1990-93, really.

But I liked my .signatures through the years. I don't use one anymore, but I used to come up with a new one every few months. So this is going to be my "Old .signature Gallery." And there will be annotations, because I basically like to talk about things. I remember in ninth grade Latin class, when I was told to stop the constant play-by-play.

Okay, let's go. It'll be funny, I promise.

"Ten-year-old girls don't flock to "talent." There aren't hordes of them trying to kick in Itzhak Perlman's door, are there?"
-www.girlsonfilm.com, on Spice World

Heh. I love that one. It combines several good-.sig elements: First, it's a clever and insightful quote. Second, it's mildly cultural because it mentions Itzhak Perlman. And if you actually picture hordes of ten-year-old girls kicking in Perlman's door, that's funny. And there's a link to a good website, although I don't know if they're still up. And, of course, Spice World. Yeah.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that the actual posted version of this .sig had "hoards" instead of "hordes".

Right after I graduate, I'm gonna sit in a tree, cut the soles off my shoes, and learn to play the flute!

That's from the Firesign Theatre. They're hilarious. It would have been a funnier line for me to quote if I had used it before I actually graduated. I didn't attribute it, because it was one of those "stealth" quotes that you throw in so that the "hip" people will "recognize" you. Do you think that "quotation mark" joke is "overused" by now? I thought it was "played" to "death", but it was on "The PJs" tonight, so I guess it's still "funny".

"I am the atomic-powered robot! Please give my best wishes to everybody!"
- Minsky the Robot

Again with the ambiguous attribution! this one's from a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 sketch that was pretty much just this quote over and over again. I like that I said it was by "Minsky the Robot" when the only thing you really get from the quote is that it's by a robot. But it's not as funny if I just say "Minsky".

"Red alert! All hands prepare to die!"
- MST3K's Gypsy

This time, I thought the voice of the character was an important enough part of the humor that I should include relatively accurate attribution. This is one of those things that I find so funny that I wish I'd remember to say it in my day-to-day life. I just really enjoy the combination of hyperbolic panic with cheerful acceptance of the inevitable.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. Give up.

That's from "Deteriorata", a parody of "Desiderata", which itself is too old for anyone to remember. Deteriorata is plenty funny, but I think the quote stands on its own.

"Time bombs are cool. Tick, tick, tick . . . BOOM!"
- Zorak

Zorak's reading of this (on Space Ghost Coast to Coast) was really funny, but I don't think it works as a freestanding quote. Plus, this sort of quote can easily be taken as a pro-time bomb sentiment, so I didn't keep it long.

Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis propinquus ades.

That means "If you can read this bumper sticket, you are both very well educated and much too close" in Latin. I got it from a book I can't locate just at the moment. Incidentally, if you want your .sig to generate e-mail, I highly recommend Latin.

It's like a whirlpool, and it never ends.
-TMBG, "Ana Ng"

This seems like a mysterious quote when taken out of context. In reality, of course, it makes no sense in context either, because it's in a They Might Be Giants song. I used to say this a lot when things were getting stressful at work. It didn't help, but it confused people long enough for me to get away with any extra assignments.

"I am tired. I am weary. I could sleep for a thousand years."

It's from the Velvet Underground's "Venus in Furs", although I was actually quoting the cover version by "Eye & I" (which I don't have anymore, and I can't find -- can anyone help me out there?). I didn't attribute this one not so much to look cool as because, well, I was tired. And weary.

"All the whores and opium we can carry!" -Halby Durzell and Renensco P. Blue

In a better world, that would be the slogan of a generation. It's from Evan Dorkin's comic book "Hectic Planet" (formerly "Pirate Corp$"), about which I shall go on at some point, assuming Dorkin ever puts out another issue. He's all distracted writing for Space Ghost and being nominated for Eisner awards and getting ready for his "Eltingville Comic Club" show on Cartoon Network, and occasionally putting out Milk & Cheese.

"And, above all, fall in love."
"Love?"
"Better even than coffee."
- Umberto Eco, The Island of the Day Before

Another .sig that has all the right elements. In this case, mentioning Umberto Eco is a very good Internet Intellectual touchstone. And I'd just moved to Seattle, so I was particularly amused by the coffee-worship. And as a clever side-effect, I may have tricked people into reading The Island of the Day Before, which is a fine read.

Okay, that's all.