Complete Idiots for Dummies

You've seen the Complete Idiot's Guide to This Thing and That Other Thing for Dummies, right? And you've maybe laughed a little, but I assure you, when you look closer, you'll laugh harder. So let the small-minded mockery begin!

All book titles are genuine.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Online Gambling

Clearly, the first thing they did was identify their target audience ("complete idiots") and then find out what they were interested in. By reading this book, you too can lose all your money without the inconvenience of leaving your computer. Also in the Internet section: "Making Millions on the Internet" (AKA "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Spam"), "Cool Ways to Communicate Online" (with, I expect, hundreds and hundreds of annoying smilies), and "Online Dating and Relating" ("Finding Sex on the Internet!").

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Bringing Up Baby

Much to my disappointment, this is not a deconstruction of the classic Cary Grant/Katherine Hepburn screwball comedy, but a book about meeting your infant's emotional and physcial needs. I like this section of books because of the implication of legions of idiots staring at their newborns with complete befuddlement. I'm also a little worried about The Complete Idiot's Guide to Baby Names because of the implications that people don't know how to spell "John".

The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Art of Seduction

Heh. I just picture Steve Martin and Michael Caine in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels here.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem

Boy, you just can't do better than that title, can you? Again, I can just picture the concepting meeting. "Our line of books claims to be for complete idiots. Therefore people who buy them have self-esteem problems. And therefore, our next book shall be about fixing that!" "Good thinking, Bob!" "One problem, though . . . if the book's too good, won't that mean that our readers will stop buying our books?" Also in this vein, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Improving Your IQ.

Aromatherapy for Dummies

Ha ha ha! I don't mean to mock aromatherapy, because it has its adherents, and I'm sure there are any number of case studies showing its utility and effectiveness at calming the soul. But still: Ha ha ha! Aromatherapy! For Dummies! It's like The Internet For Dummies, where my first reaction is to say "It sure is!"

Living Longer For Dummies

I think I'm opposed to a lot of these titles. I mean, I'm not sure I want the dummies to live longer, do I? I have the same concerns about Making Marriage Work For Dummies and Sex For Dummies, although the latter presents entertaining mental images, at least.

Being Vegetarian For Dummies

This is one of those books where it doesn't seem like they'd need a whole book to cover the topic. In the Weird Al Yankovic website, Al answers questions. One of the questions is "I want to become a vegetarian. Do you have any tips?" The answer is "Don't eat meat." Even putting the question on one page and the answer on another, that's still 358 pages to go.

Disclaimer: I actually own three books in the "Idiots/Dummies" genre. One, Crystal Reports 8 for Dummies, I bought because I couldn't find any other second-party books on Crystal Reports, and the manual was pretty much useless. Another, The Complete Idiot's Guide to The American Presidents, I bought because I'm a sucker for trivia. Sadly, almost all the interesting stuff in that book was stolen (yes, I said stolen, and I stand by that assessment) from Barbara Holland's brilliant Hail to the Chiefs: How to Tell Your Polks from Your Tylers. I highly recommend Holland's book if you want to know crowd-pleasing anecdotes like the color of Martin Van Buren's cravat (orange). It's funny!

The third book of this style that I own is The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating, because I don't see why the idiots should be the only ones who get to go on dates.

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Random Work Anecdote

By the way. Most of the people in my office are about to fly to Spain for a big tournament we're running in Barcelona. One of them asked what the weather was like in Spain.

And I said, "I hear the rain falls mainly in the plains."

Thank you! I'm here all week!