Quotes

Some days, I can go hours without saying anything but quotes.

I try not to do Monty Python quotes, except for the occasional obscure one ("Even now, you yourself do hardly notice me . . ."). The Simpsons provide a nearly endless supply, especially in a business context; the "Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show", for example: "Excuse me, but 'proactive' and 'paradigm'? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. I'm fired, aren't I?"

That line is a lot of fun, and I get plenty of opportunity to use it, but it's sometimes awkward when the people around me don't get the reference. They get the feeling that I'm insulting their use of buzzwords. Which, of course, I am, but for some reason I can get away with it if I'm quoting a cartoon.

I feel great satisfaction when I successfully work a quote into conversation. Today, I had a list of things I needed mailed out, so I went o one of my department's temps (I'm so important!) and told him to "make this list happen." That's from Hudson Hawk! And it fit perfectly! Well, the actual quote might be "make this list happy," since I can't quite make it out, but it was close enough. The important part here is that I was able to talk like a big shot.

I've also gotten the occasional cheap laugh out of fake quotes. It doesn't work unless you've previously established a reputation as someone who quotes things, but once that's done, the sky's the limit. The trick is to attribute your fake quote to something people haven't really read. Spenser's Faerie Queene is good if you can do the language; Joyce's Ulysses is also excellent.

Littering one's conversation with quotes is a risky habit for two reasons. The first is that I sometimes forget that a phrase is a quote. And then I find myself watching Caddyshack or Real Genius or something, only to find that the characters are saying things I say all the time. It's embarassing is what it is. The other problem is that sometimes I know I'm quoting but I'm not sure what. This arises largely from Mystery Science Theatre 3000, where they hardly ever provided citations for their quotes; it's also sometimes the fault of my friends, who also quote things constantly without necessarily footnoting themselves.

If I had more energy (and a conviction that people cared), I'd do a guide to my fifty most common quotes. And the fifty quotes I wish I had the guts or oppoortunity to use more often ("You're a good man, sister!" "What? What will come out no more?").