Comic Con: The Night of Bad Movies

I forget what year this was, but I ended up watching terrible movies all night. That's really all the setup you need, isn't it?

Well, maybe a little more. Some of your bigger cons have a channel in the hotel where they show the sort of film that congoers like. Comic Con has that, and it even had rooms where people who weren't staying in the right hotel could watch the programming.

I forget exactly why we started watching. I was trying to avoid running a game I'd agreed to do, and a few of the other people were in there because the programming schedule claimed we'd be seeing the Rocky Horror Picture Show. More about Rocky some other time. Shudder.

Anyway, we started at around midnight, and kept going for quite some time. Here's the ones I remember.

• Maniac Cop 2 - We'd never heard of it, and thought it was "Manic Cop" for most of the movie. I've still never seen the first one. It's the story of an ex-cop who got all shot up, losing most of his face ("He's got no manic nose!"). As I remember, the Maniac Cop, who may or may not be dead, shows up where there's crimes, shoots the criminals, and then shoots the cops who show up later.

  It has Bruce Campbell in it, and I've just noticed that Claudia Christian from Babylon 5 is in it, too.

• Evil Toons - We were excited about this one, because it was supposed to be a horror movie that combined animation with live action. Ha. Stupid, stupid us. The "animation" was restricted to one scene where a cartoon monster ran around onscreen and was then replaced by a puppet.

  It's the story of three models (actresses with names like Monique, Gabrielle, and Madison. Although to be strictly honest, I have to admit that "Monique" and "Gabrielle" are actually one actress's first and last names) who clean an old house. They find an old book in Latin, predictably read it out loud, and all heck gets let loose. As with all of these Fred Olen Ray movies, there are several scenes in which the characters mysteriously feel the need to go topless.

• Nightmare Sisters - A slightly different movie featuring frequently-topless women running up against the supernatural. This one stars Official Scream Queens Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer. Bauer is also in Evil Toons. The plot of this one involves "geeky college girls" (the stars with fake teeth and wigs to appear "geeky") trying to put on a party. Someone finds an old book, reads it aloud, and suddenly they're transformed into evil soul-suckers. And the boys are here for the party!

  There's a lot that's funny in this movie. When the boys have snuck out of their frat (because the boys are also geeky), the other frat boys sit around discussing how anyone could possibly have gotten out. It was our theory that they probably went through that big rectangular sliding glass window in the wall. Several scenes also show people looking around carefully, not seeing anyone, and then walking offscreen. They're immediately followed by people who had apparently been hiding exactly where the first person was looking. We realized one of the basic rules of this sort of movie: People offscreen are invisible.

  Uncharacteristically for this sort of movie, there are also some scenes that, while intended to be humorous, are actually funny. It's a movie where demons claim to be "Guardian of the Lesser Boogy-Boogy" and exorcists, while using pretty much the exact dialogue from The Exorcist, throw in lines like "Begone, demon! It's the first of the month, I'm kicking you out!"

• A Seriously Frightening Movie Starring Ilona Staller - Staller is more widely known as "Cicciolina", the Italian porn star that got elected to the Italian Parliament. This movie was in Italian, featured full nudity, and must have been at least six hours long. It was the least erotic porn film I've ever seen, and that's saying something.

  Whoever was in the control room for the programming kept fast-forwarding through the plot, and the movie still took two or three hours. There was one scene where Cicciolina had to refuel her moped. She kept staring at this one guy in a car while she licked her lips, put the nozzle into her moped, took the nozzle out, and repeated for fifteen minutes. There was another all-nude scene where Cicciolina covered herself with mud. Oh god.

  She also had a large pink stuffed animal with her in every scene. That didn't help things any.

• Random Bad Television Shows

  - I only remember Candid Candid Camera (where every "stunt" consists of women being unexpectedly topless). Oh, and "Bambi vs. Godzilla" and "Bring Me the Head of Charlie Brown" were in there somewhere.

Once it was well past dawn, the three of us that had made it through the night staggered out. We tried to go to Denny's but (and I swear this is true) the nearest Denny's claimed that they shut down at night. I ask you, what is the point of a Denny's that closes? Their only competitive advantage is the 24-hour aspect, right? You're not trying to tell me that people go to Denny's when there's any other option.

Then we found beds and fell asleep. In the years since, I have tracked down Evil Toons and Nightmare Sisters (although the latter, having been taped off USA: Up All Night, has no nudity. And Rhonda Shear doing "comedy" in the breaks). I don't know whhy I haven't looked for Maniac Cop: 2. And I'm terrified that I might accidentally stumble into a Cicciolina movie.