MTV in People

PeopleExtra: MTV Turns 20
Two decades of memorable moments, wild controversies, outrageous outfits, Real World roommates and your favorite VJs!

And that's just what's on the cover! Along with pictures of Madonna, a boy band that I think is the Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Kurt Cobain (So Pale, So Tragic), Prince, George Michael, Whitney Houston, Bruce Springsteen, and Michael Jackson.

Oh, about Kurt Cobain. Right after he shot himself (you remember that, right?), every magazine in the world used a moody picture of him as their cover. I was fascinated by the uniformity, and ended up with several of the covers. I had Spin, Rolling Stone, People, Entertainment Weekly, and some others. We ended up writing "So Pale, So Tragic" on each of them and drawing in tears. And then we put them up on the wall in a cross. It was so creepy. And my point is that the picture of Kurt on this issue of People is clearly the So Pale, So Tragic one.

"So Pale, So Tragic" is from Clue. Now, back to the horrific pop-culture collision that is People celebrating MTV.

Inside the front cover, Herbal Essences dares you and three friends to win a day in the studio with 98° "while they record their latest hits". If you're lucky, maybe you'll get to see one of them get whipped for singing badly.

Jumping past the Destiny's Child (available at Target!) ad, we struggle through to the table of contents. Sometimes, this page is used to see what articles we want to jump forward to. This time, however, it serves as a grim portent of our doom. "Turn back!" it seems to scream. "There are pictures of 'Downtown' Julie Brown ahead! And Diana Ross feeling up Lil' Kim!"

The first article is about the launch of MTV. The first picture, therefore, is from Woodstock '99. And not even one of the mud people. You all know how these articles go. "Video Killed the Radio Star" in the third sentence. "I Want My MTV!" on page 3. And so on. Next!

Article 2: The Top 10 most memorable events in MTV history. Hasn't that already been a show? At any rate, they are: #10: Madonna at the 1984 Video Music Awards, squirming around through "Like a Virgin". #9: Bill Clinton talking about his underwear. #8: Eric Clapton sings about his dead son. #7: Tom Green's testicles. #6: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley mash their faces together. #5: Woodstocks 2 and 3. Mud and fire. And rape. They're proud of this? #4: Britney Spears whores it up in the 2000 VMA, causing the only funny line the Wayans brothers did ("She went from the Mickey Mouse Club to the Strip Club!"). #3: Smells Like Teen Spirit, accompanied by a picture of Kurt "So Pale, So Tragic" Cobain. #2: Thriller. Damn right. And the most memorable moment in the history of MTV is . . .

Live Aid. Live Aid? What? That was sixteen years ago. I don't think MTV's current audience even knows what Live Aid was. But I shan't complain, because I like the picture, which takes up two pages. It's got George Michael, Bob Geldof (of the Boomtown Rats, although he's now more famous for, um, having organizes Live Aid), Bono, Freddie Mercury, and, as the caption says, "others". Oh, the eighties hair.

After more ads (hair dye and booze; very rock star), it's time for MTV scandal. George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" video, Madonna's "Justify My Love" video (which I don't understand why MTV gets credit for, since they never showed it), Andrew Dice Clay at the 1989 VMA (and how come I can't buy a DVD box set of all the Video Must Awards? That would be great!), Michael Jackson's "Black or White" video (the original ending, where Jackson spends several minutes smashing windows and grabbing his crotch), the time when Beavis and Butthead had to stop saying "Fire! Fire! Fiire!", the Jackass thing that's still going on, MTV finally showing "Billie Jean" and opening the doors to black artists (although the picture is of Run DMC with Aerosmith) and Elton John advertising milk. No, sorry, that's an actual advertisement. I guess the racism item was the last one.

Where are they now? The story of the five original VJs: Alan Hunter, Martha Quinn, JJ Jackson, Nina Blackwood, and. Um. Wait, I can get this. Mark Goodman, that's it. There's a picture of the five of them feigning enthusiasm in a car. These days, Martha is a 42-year-old mother "horrified" by the Spring Break coverage. J.J. prefers VH1 to MTV. Alan, whose resume is so thin that he has to mention being in Police Academy 6 "shares custody" of his two children, one of whom is inevitably named "Dylan". Mark is "VP of an Internet music site", which, if he also had $3.50, could get him a double-tall soy latte. Nina is an FM DJ and is dismissive of Jackass.

Where are they now? The later VJs. Jesse Camp hasn't overdosed yet, which is about all you can say about him. Kennedy is a freshman at Santa Monica College, has married a snowboard instructor, and "has a TV talk show in development". Julie Brown's profile does not include the words "Wubba wubba wubba", so I don't care about it. Adam Curry had an Internet consulting firm in the mid-nineties, built websites for Reebok and Chysler, and sold out in 1999. That was the right time to sell your Internet consulting firm; he's now a multimillionaire living in a ten-room house in Amsterdam. Tabitha Soren lives in Paris and is thinking of going into news.

Some stand-up comics once auditioned to be VJs.

When stars dress like freaks. These are mostly from the Video Music Awards, and there are really two categories. MC Hammer and Pamela Anderson probably thought they looked good. Marily Manson and Rose McGowan looked crazy on purpose. I mean, surely Lil' Kim and Dee Snider own mirrors. And how edgy is it to make fon of Robert Smith's hair?

The Buggles. Did you know that one of the guys from the Buggles produced "There You'll Be" from Pearl Harbor? Did you know that Pearl Harbor had a ballad?

Where are they now? The first Real World cast. Gee, I'd like to read that article, but I think I have to go use a power sander to remove all the skin on my face. I'll be right back.

Behind the scenes. Mostly unexciting pictures of rock stars lounging around, I find it notable that they slipped up and put in a non-So Pale, So Tragic picture of Kurt Cobain playing with Frances Bean. Also in the pictureL Courtney Love and Sinead O'Connor. Everyone in the picture is smiling and seems to be having a good time, which ruins the mystique for all of them. Except Frances, who doesn't really have any mystique to ruin.

First Shots. MTV takes credit for any star that was on MTV before they got famous. This is mostly foolishness. The Jon Stewart Show? Yes, but Jon Stewart hosted Short Attention Span Theatre on Comedy Central before that. Courteney Cox in the Bruce Springsteen video? Somehow, I think she needed more than that to get on Family Ties. And anyway, she auditioned to be in the video; she wasn't just pulled up from the audience. And stop calling her a "wide-eyed pixie", for god's sake. Adam Sandler as a Remote Control sideman? I guess. Carmen Electra? A model before Singled out. Tom Green? Yeah, it's really inspiring how he's gone from being a guy with a show on MTV to being a guy who's starred in a terrible movie and slept with Drew Barrymore.

Quotes. Mostly boring, except Pee-Wee Herman saying "Heard any good jokes lately?" That was great.

A picture of Beavis and Butthead, a Maybelline ad with Sarah Michelle Gellar, and we're done.

So there you have it. People. MTV. Twenty years. Now get the hell off my lawn.