Take That, Spam: Human Growth Hormone

Making fun of unsolicited commercial e-mail has a long, rich pedigree. Which is my way of saying that I don't remember who I'm stealing this bit from. I know it's been done since around 1992, though, so I'm pretty sure whoever originated it is safely lost in the mists of time.

Anyway, I got this e-mail eight or nine times in the space of ten minutes. I can't imagine what they were thinking, because right from the start:

Subject: Human Growth Hormone Liquid! Affordable! Incredible Results!

I don't so much want to buy some as I want to delete the e-mail and wash my monitor in hopes of getting the stink off. Since when is human growth hormone affordable? Did it used to be expensive, with only the richest scientists and rock stars having access? Eeeeeew.

HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE: MaxHGH The Most Powerful HGH LIQUID Product On The Market!

So right away, we learn that it's not only made from human growth hormone, which sounds like they ground up some very tall people (like maybe the Clippers, not that anyone would notice), but it's the most powerful one. Remember in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas where they had Adrenochrome, which was supposedly made from adrenal gland? This is like that, except even more so.

INTRODUCTORY STATEMENTS ABOUT HGH:

Great! I love Introductory Statements! I also love the fact that even though this email is presumably the most important sales tool these people have, they couldn't be bothered to form their sales pitches into paragraphs. I should do that some time. PUNCH LINE.

"It Is The Age Reversal Miracle of the 21st Century!�

Awfully early for that, isn't it? It's only August, so that makes us, um, two-thirds of one percent finished with the century, and we already know what the Age Reversal Miracle is? I guess that's good to know, since I can stop watching for Age Reversal Miracles. Tragically, the Eliminating Traffic Jams Miracle isn't due until 2054.

"It Is The Ultimate Anti-Aging Therapy!� "It Is Cosmetic Plastic Surgery In A Bottle!"

Oh boy! With just one bottle of Growth Juice, I can have access to the same technology that's made Joan Rivers into a pterodactyl!

"It Is The Most Powerful Anti-Obesity Drug Ever Discovered!" "It Is The Most Powerful Clinically Proven Cellulite Reducing Drug Ever Discovered!"

I think I understand that first one, but I've read the second one a lot, and I'm still nowhere near parsing it. Apparently, there are drugs, right? And some of them reduce cellulite. Of that set, some have been clinically proven. And of the ones that have been discovered, this is the most powerful? No, that can't be right, because you can't clinically prove something before it's discovered. I don't know why not, though. I mean, I'd like to see the "clinic" that proved the value of this stuff.

"It Is Like Metabolic Liposuction Vacuuming Off Excess Body Fat!"

Oh, it's like that, is it? Why didn't you just say so? I'm sure we're all quite familiar with metabolic liposuction!

Need Sexual Improvement? Impotence, sex drive, stamina problems?

Um, are they asking if I need impotence, sex drive, stamina problems? Because, in fact, I do. I don't have nearly enough stamina problems, and the neighbors have been complaining.

"HGH is probably the Most POWERFUL WEIGHT LOSS PRODUCT EVER!�

Now here, they can't seem to decide whether or not to turn on the high-pressure sales hose. On the one hand, they suddenly start shouting at me in the middle of the sentence, and there's that exclamation point to consider. On the other hand, they put it in quotes, like they're ashamed to be saying it themselves. And if they're going to be making wild-eyed claims, why the "probably"? It's okay to say this is the age-reversal miracle of the 21st century, but they better be careful with the weight loss claims?

HGH is the most abundant hormone secreted by the pituitary gland. It is produced at a rate that peaks during mid twenties, when accelerated growth occurs. Growth hormone production starts becoming deficient in your mid-thirties and continues to diminish with age to the extent that a 60 year old may secrete only 25% of the HGH secreted by a 20 year old.

That's all very informative, I guess, but all it really tells us is that they're trying to sell us pituitary secretions. And that 25-year-olds secrete a lot more than older people, but I think we already knew that.

These are statements from physician researchers - as they try to find appropriate words to describe some of the amazing health benefits they have noted and documented in their clinical research work with this incredible substance!

Again with the "clinical". Somehow, when I think "clinic", I don't necessarily think of brilliant scientists pushing the frontiers of technology. And maybe they should have hired "physician researchers" that could express the results of their research adequately, because the part about trying to find "appropriate words" brings to mind a bunch of white-coated buffoons, all standing around scratching their heads, trying to think of another synonum for "amazing".

�The Most Powerful Anti-Aging Drug Ever Discovered�; "The Ultimate Anti-Aging Therapy & The Age Reversal Miracle Of The 21st Century!" etc, etc.

Normally, when you say "etc, etc." it's intended to indicate that there's an endless supply of boring and meaningless stuff that you'd rather not bother with. And there are only two examples! The introductory paragraph was longer than what it was introducing!

Oh, and one of the quotes has already been used in the ad. Dopes.

HGH affects nearly every cell in our bodies, rejuvenating the skin and bones, regenerating the heart, liver, lungs, and kidneys, bringing organ and tissue function back to youthful levels!

Some sentences are too long for exclamation points. Even sentences that claim that pituitary squeezings can bring the dead back to life and turn Abraham Lincoln into a hunky teen supermodel.

"COSMETIC PLASTIC SURGERY IN A BOTTLE"

Now why is it that I was thinking of Christina Aguilera even before I got to the "in a bottle" part?

Results from a Medical College Study on HGH: "Effects of Growth Hormone administration on 202 patients ages 39 � 74" by L. Cass Erry, M.D., Ph.D., and Edmund Chein, M.D., Medical College of Wisconsin and Palm Springs Life Extension Institute demonstrated many health benefits viz:

What the? Actual names I can check on? Can it be a coincidence that "L. Cass Erry" is an anagram for "Crass Lyre"? And "Edmund Chein" for "Munch Indeed"? It probably is, I guess, because a cursory web search reveals that Chein, at least, is a real person.

1. Muscle Strength 88% improvement
2. Body Fat Loss 82% improvement
3. Energy Level 84% improvement
4. Wrinkle Reduction 61% improvement
5. Sexual Potency/Frequency 75% improvement
6. Emotional Stability 67% improvement
7. Memory 62% improvement

Emotional stability? Really? And maybe it's me, but I'm guessing that the Body Fat Loss and Wrinkle Reduction might have contributed to the Sexual Frequency. See, because the subjects were prettier. Does that make sense? Ah, forget it.

TESTIMONIALS:

A vital part of every snake oil presentation.

I just turned 50 years old and my friends and business associates are astonished at the sudden difference in my appearance, my physique and my physical skills. I feel like I'm 25 again. I have had a ton of compliments and must say I owe it to your product. I highly recommend the product. ~ D. L, 7th Degree Black Belt, West Virginia � USA

Too many claims. It takes awhile to become a 7th Degree Black Belt, so D.L. must have already been one before taking the hormone. So what's the claim? That it makes black belts even more powerful?

"I have been taking your product for seven months and the results are astounding. I have much more energy for my daily workout, and I have lost 12 pounds of fat without dieting. My hair is starting to go back to its original color, and not to offend anyone, but my sex life has gone through the roof! I will never be without this product!" ~ J.R.: Texas.

Some people would go for the Dallas reference. Remember "Who Shot J.R.?" Larry Hagman? Yeah. But instead, I'm going to assume that this J.R. is good old J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, still picking up a check doing what he's always done: sell substandard products. Note also that they've thrown in a new claim, saying that it makes hair go back to its original color. This stuff will replace absolutely everything in the pharmacy! Except for one thing: it'll never be as much fun to say as "Ginkgo Biloba".

�I am 69 years old and for the past 20 years, I have been on Blood Pressure medicines non-stop. After just about four months of using your product, my doctor took me off my blood pressure medicines. It has now been nine months since I first started using the product, I am still totally off my Blood Pressure medicines, and I have lost a total of 45 pounds and dropped three pant sizes, but most importantly I feel like I am 30 years old!!� ~ P.W. � Bartlesville, Oklahoma

Do you think it's possible that all these claims that people feel hald their actual age could mean that it causes light-headedness? Either way, I like the fact that this testimonial uses the phrase "blood pressure medicines" three times in as many sentences.

FOR MORE INFORMATION AND TO ORDER CLICK BELOW:

No, sorry. If you were desperately hoping to buy some pituitary juice, you'll just have to keep watching your email box. If it's anything like mine, you'll be getting this message in about seven seconds.