Book Proposals

I've noticed that people buy a lot of books that clearly can't do what they promise. Books that claim to give you an infallible system for beating slot machines and roulette wheels. Books that will help you become an acclaimed author, find your true love, and talk to god, all without getting your illiterate, lonely, damned-to-hell ass off the couch.

So my conclusion, which I admit is not really earthshattering, is that people are optimistic, by which I mean "stupid and gullible". And why shouldn't I try to get in on it? So here are my new book proposals:

How to Beat the Red Lights

Don't be a sucker all your life! Do you think that everyone spends all their time stuck at red lights? Not on your tintype, chum! The with-it crowd knows all the tricks for sailing through traffic, and now, so can you!

Here's just a taste of the gridlock-busting secrets that could be yours:

Secret Twelve

You've already learned (in Secret Three) to travel exactly 5.5 miles above the speed limit on north-south streets and 7.5 on east-west. But that only works when you're already locked into the green-light zone. If you find yourself stopped at a red light, that means you're out of sync. Count how many cars back from the light you are, counting trailer trucks as 1.5 cars. When the light turns green, wait a number of seconds equal to ten minus the number of cars times two. This will put you back in the middle of "the zone", and green lights will be your reward!

Getting Comfortable

Imagine this: You're on an airplane. Or you're sitting on a folding chair in a hotel ballroom, watching some slicked-up dude in a cheap suit try to sell you a timeshare. Or you're riding in the back seat of a tiny French car. And no matter how you shift yourself, you just can't get comfortable. Well, now you can!

That's right, the secrets of the perpetually-comfortable are finally yours. Learn just what you're supposed to do with your knees when there's no room. And after you commit to memory the three keys to armrest superiority, your annoying neighbor's forearm will be a thing of the past. You'll wonder how you survived so long without the simple hidden trick to slouching while still being able to see over the person in front of you!

Improve Your Luck -- The Easy Way

Some people have all the luck. Some people find hundred-dollar bills in the two-dollar jacket they got at the thrift store. Some people always pick the right restaurant. Some people could fall down a manhole and end up king of the mole people. Well, from now on, some people is you!

Yes, in only ten minutes a day, doing exercises you can do while sitting at your desk, you can dramatically improve your luck to the point where your every decision will be automatic -- and correct! Win in Las Vegas! Impress the ladies! Or, if that's not what you're after, the gentlemen! Throw away your maps, because what used to be "driving around at random" will become "taking the unknown shortcut"! Always pick the right line at the grocery store! Never forget your keys on your way out the front door! Enter the parking lot just as the guy in the perfect spot is pulling out! It's all possible, and it will all be yours!