Take That, Spam: Kathmandu

Hey, it's a series! The first one was a month ago, and I mocked somebody trying to sell me human growth hormone.

Making fun of unsolicited commercial e-mail has a long, rich pedigree. Which is my way of saying that I don't remember who I'm stealing this bit from. I know it's been done since around 1992, though, so I'm pretty sure whoever originated it is safely lost in the mists of time.

This time out, I was almost suckered into reading the message by the clever subject line:

Subject: Wizardry ... tvfaf

From the first part of the subject, I hoped this might be a message having to do with wizards and magic. Or something. But the "tvfaf" stuck on the end is something of a giveaway that I'm getting mail written by a machine.

Now Offering for your "Sensitive" Delight ... NEW & IMPROVED

We start off strong with "randomly" quoted words. I love that. Especially here, where I don't know what "sensitive" is supposed to mean, even if it's not in quotes. It appears to be a nearly random adjective. Excellent.

*** KATHMANDU 2 ***

The general trend of incomprehensibility is still shown very strong here. Assuming this is the product's name, I like the combination of an obscure country (to show exoticism) and a number (to show a scientific advance). "Zanzibar 5". "Outer Mongolia 3". "Canada 7". You can't beat that. It might be better as "Kathmandu 2.4", but that's just quibbling.

Thanks to recent dramatic advances in the laboratorial processes for the extraction of botanical/herbal alkaloids and glycocides, we are now able to offer what has already been the most incredibly potent marijuana/cannabis alternative available on the planet .... KATHMANDU TEMPLE KIFF!!! It is NEW, IMPROVED and 20 times more stokin'-tokin' potent in its formulation.

It's a lot of fun to say "laboratorial" if you enunciate every possible syllable. "la-boh-ra-toh-ree-ul". Whee! Although I expect that if you study enough "botanical/herbal alkaloids and glycocides", it's a lot of fun to say anything.

Note that in the space of one paragraph, the tone veers wildly from scientific (dramatic advances and all) to full-on Jeff Spicoli. When was the last time you saw a scientist call something "stokin'-tokin'"? (Correct answer: the last time Comedy Central showed a movie)

Anyway, it turns out that they're selling a chemical alternative to pot. Over the Internet. Dude, seriously, I don't care how hard up you are, do not buy experimental drugs over the Internet. There are just so many ways that could turn out badly for you.

KATHMANDU 2 ... a viripotent cannabis alternative for blissful regressions of vexatious depressions...

Wow. This sentence appears to be a leftover from 150 years ago, when this was a handbill for Professor Science's Patented Snake Oil. No one has used the word "vexatious" since you could make money by rolling into town and selling sugar water to the locals. And sure enough, we segue immediately into the standard list of miracle effects.

* BURNS AND SMOKES EASIER!
* TOKES DEEPER!
* TASTES SWEETER!
* LASTS LONGER!

I don't even smoke tobacco, so I'll have to take their word for it that "tokes deeper" actually means something and isn't just the phony-scientific-drug equivalent of the wine world's "enthusiastic . . . yet somehow bourgeouis. With a hint of oak."-style terminology.

Kathmandu Temple Kiff is a proprietary; Nepalese, sensitive, pipe-smoking/stoking substance. Kathmandu Temple Kiff is indeed the most substantial marijuana/cannabis alternative on the planet.

These are some good claims to make about their product, because hardly anything in this paragraph means a damn thing. It's "sensitive", "substantial", and "proprietary", eh? Well. Good for it. I guess.

Absolutely Legal! Marvelously Potent!

Absolutely #1 OK! Now that Dr. Bronner is dead, who writes this stuff?

Kathmandu Temple Kiff possesses all of the positive virtues fine ganja/cannabis without any of the negatives. An amalgamation of high concentrates of rare euphoric herbas, Kathmandu is offered in a solid jigget/bar format and is actually more UPLIFTING & POISED than cannabis / marijuana while rendering Euphoria, Happiness, Mood-Enhancement, Stress/Depression Relief and promoting contemplativeness, creativity, better sleep, lucid dreaming ... and enhancing the sexual experience!!!

This paragraph has everything I've been talking about. It's got gibberish, unless you think that "jigget" is an English word; it's got made-up terminology, unless one of you drug-users wants to tell me that "poise" is what you look for in a narctic. It's got Mysterious Capitalized Words. And it's got three!!! Exclamation!!! Points!!!

Kathmandu Temple Kiff is simply the best and just a little pinch/snippet of the Kathmandu goes a long, "sensitive" way. Just 4 or 5 draws of the pipe ... (an herb pipe included with each package of Kathmandu Temple Kiff).

There's that "sensitive" again. I guess it's code for drugs; I can't be blamed for not knowing that, can I? It's been years since I had drug-using roommates. Incidentally, if you're reading this carefully, looking for little odd wordings to make fun of, I advise you not to dwell on the phrase "simply the best", because you'll get that damn song stuck in your head.

Too late. Sorry about that.

PLEASE NOTE: Although no botanical factor in Kathmandu Temple Kiff is illegal or considered to be harmful by regulatory agencies and no tobacco is included therein, it is the policy of our company that Kathmandu Temple Kiff may not be offered or sold to any person that has not attained at least 21 years of age.

Yeah, right. "It's not illegal, and none of it is harmful, and no agency even objects to any of the ingredients, but, um, no minors. Or people with heart conditions."

So power-smokin potent is our new formulation, that much to our delight and actually even to our amazement, we have even be able to establish a very happy clientele within the hard core stoner market.

I shall ignore the "power-smokin potent" part to merely observe that it's actually pretty easy to make the hard core stoner marker "happy". You want to impress me? Get them up off the couch.

Here is what our customers are saying about Kathmandu Temple Kiff:

"Thank you so much for the Temple Kiff. It is everything you guys claim, and then some! I was a bit skeptical when I read your description of its effects, but there is literally no exaggeration in your advertisements. How nice that this is legal! It tastes great and feels great too! I am so glad I took a chance and ordered. Blessings to all of you."

-- Frankie R.

"Literally no exaggeration"? Could this be the long-awaited first use of "literally" in its actual meaning?

"I'm a man of my 40's and I really know my stuff. I don't drink or do illegal drugs anymore and have found a much more spiritual path. I used to have to take Valium in the past. Not anymore with the Temple Kiff. It really amazes me how this stuff tastes exactly like the lebanese red and blond hash I used to smoke in the 70's and it has a much more pleasurable effect. I am very satisfied with this product. I like it a lot and will be a customer for life for sure. Whoever makes this stuff is an ARTIST at it. Who would have thought?! Folks, this is the real stuff! Look no further!!"

-- A.J.

A.J.? Of the Backstreet Boys? I didn't know he was over forty!

I like the idea of a guy who doesn't drink or do illegal drugs who apparently received one of these messages and thought "Hey! This isn't marijuana! This just sounds and acts exactly like marijuana! I'll try some!" Clearly this is an imaginary person of great moral fiber.

*******************
Our other fine herbal, botanical products include the following:

Oh good! Special bonus claims!

1. Sweet Vjestika Aphrodisia Drops (tm); An erotic aphrodisia; sexual intensifier / enhancer liquid amalgamated extract for MEN and WOMEN.

Again: exotic words in the name ("Vjestika") combined with old-skool snake oil (an actual "amalgamated extract"!) add up to fine, fine comedy.

2. "Seventh Heaven" Prosaka Tablets (tm); a botanical alternative to pharmaceutical medications for calm, balance, serenity and joyful living...

As far as I can tell, these are downers. Possibly elephant tranquilizers. But they're "botanical", so it's okay. I'll be sure to tell that to deadly nightshade.

3. "Seventh Heaven" Gentle Ferocity Tablets (tm); a most efficacious, non-caffeine, non-ephedrine, non-MaHuang botanical energizer and cutting-edge appetite suppressant...

"A most efficacious"? Seriously, I'll read almost any amount of gibberish (like "non-MaHuang") if I can get authentic mid-nineteenth century phrasing like that. Although even having read this far, I'm a bit disturbed to hear about a "cutting-edge" appetite supressant. I keep imagining some kind of superdrug, when one drop leaves you permanently unable to digest food.

4. Extreme Martial Arts Botanical Remedies; Equivalence Tablets & Dragon Wing Remedy Spray ... pain management that works to alleviate pain even for arthritis and fibromyalgia sufferers...

Dragon Wing Remedy Spray? Dragon Wing Remedy Spray? Oh yeah, baby! And it's an Extreme Martial Arts Botanical Remedy? Right on! These guys have no shame at all!

*******************

Sweet Vjestika Aphrodisia Drops (tm) inspires and enhances:

* Penile & clitoral sensitivity
* Sensitivity to touch
* Desire to touch and be touched
* Fantasy, lust, rapture, erogenous sensitivity ...
* Prolongs and intensifies foreplay, orgasm & climax

I don't understand how they decide their priorities at the creepy scientific love garden that makes this stuff. Wouldn't you put the Aphrodisia drops up front and mention the fake pot later? And here in the list of made-up aphrodisiac effects, it seems like they've got a weird sorting mechanism. I'd lure people in with the "Fantasy, lust ..." line, and only bust out the anatomical terms after people were already reading.

*******************

"Seventh Heaven" Prosaka Tablets ...

Entirely natural, proprietary, botanical prescription comprised of uncommon Asian Herbs for Calm, Balance, Serenity and Joyful Living. "Seventh Heaven" Prosaka is indeed a most extraordinary, viripotent, calming, centering, mood-enhancing, holistically-formulated, exotic herbaceous alternative to pharmaceutical medications for depression, anxiety, stress, insomnia, etc.

NO side effects! NO dependency! Vivaciously Mellow!

They've run out of meaningless adjectives if they're already reusing "proprietary", which seems like one of the feeblest options available. This is also the second appearance of "viripotent", which is either a combination of "virile" and "potent" or a misspelling of "very potent". I'm not sure what it means to enhance a mood, but I suspect it involves pretty trails in the air. And possibly, if you take too much, lizards on your face.

*******************

"Seventh Heaven" Gentle Ferocity Tablets (tm) ...

a non-caffeine, non-ephedrine, non-ephedra, non-MaHuang; viripotent, herbaceous prescription for the dynamic energization of body, mind and spirit.

I didn't mention the "vivaciously mellow" line before, because I wanted to save that for the "gentle ferocity" tablets. I don't even know what they're claiming here, so I'll just assume it's more elephant tranquilizers.

This Gentle Ferocity Formulation is amalgamated in accordance with the fundamental Taoist herbal principle of botanical interactiveness and precursorship which in essence is a molecular equation of the relevant botanical/herbal alkaloids and glycosides interacting with one another to prolificate molecular communion and thereby to achieve demonstrative herbal efficaciousness without negative implication to any aspect of human composition. These Gentle Ferocity Cordial Tablets are incredulously and thoroughly effective. Enjoy!

My mistake. They're, um, wait. Taoist . . . precursorship . . . prolificate molecular communion . . . herbal efficaciousness . . . incredulously . . . I don't know. I like the "enjoy!" part, though. That's funny.

For those of you who seek to achieve most demonstrative/non-invasive/non-prohibitive appetite suppression without the negative implications of ongoing usage of MaHuang Herb, Ephedra/Ephedrine or Caffeine as are so magnaminously utilized in a multitude of herbal "diet aids" entitled as "Thermogenics" ... this is ABSOLUTELY the herbal agenda/product for you!!

Hmm. So it's a diet pill? That doesn't use the same ingredients as the other diet pills?

Entirely Natural! Increases Energy! Increases Metabolism! Decreases Appetite!

Well, sure! I can see that! Thanks for clearing that up! Very helpful!

*******************

Extreme Martial Arts Botanical Remedies

Eastern culture has long had a treatment for bone, muscle, tendon, ligament, sinew and joint distress, traumas, afflictions and constrictions. We are pleased to offer

Equivalence Tablets & Dragon Wing Remedy Spray
(Hei Ping Shun) (Hei Long Chibang)

See, in case you don't know what an Equivalence Tablet is, they thoughtfully provide the Chinese name. I really hope the translation is something like "stupid gullible Internet users".

And then there's some health warnings and pricing information. If you're really interested in spending around $300 on magic beans, I advise you as always to keep an eye on your Inbox. I can't be the only one receiving this nonsense.