Take That, Spam: Overview

It's a series now! I've done this twice before, mocking ads for Human Growth Hormone and Kathmandu Temple Kif. I should feel bad about it, but if they're going to fill my e-mail box with this nonsense, I feel it is my god-given right to pile on the derision.

This time, instead of wading hip-deep into an individual piece of spam, I'm just going to do quick reviews of the most recent batch.

Subject: New Pill Adds 1 to 3 inchs to penis-Guarenteed

Well! I certainly admire the cheerfully unconvincing claim. I'm not sure how a pill is supposed to do that, and I don't particularly feel like clicking on the link for details, but the part I'm really impressed by is the guarantee. Because the assumption here seems to be that there are people who will read the claim that a pill will make them bigger, and laugh in derision. But if it's guaranteed, well, that's different!

Also impressive is the pair of misspellings in the subject line. I would think that scientists that invent something that fixes the basic male feeling of inferiority would go to the trouble of shining up their sales pitch a little more. By the way, the e-mail itself uses the word "Amazing" twice.

Subject: Vacation of a lifetime 23679

I think that's supposed to be a good thing, but to me, it sounds like some kind of mob threat. "Hey, where's Needles?" "He went on the vacation . . . of a lifetime!"

Inside the message, once I've fought through the red, purple, green, blue, and good old-fashioned black text (in, I think, five different sizes) it turns out that I've "been selected to ENTER to WIN!" Wow! Talk about luck! It appears to involve hotel accomodations in "Orlando, home of Disney World". Nothing against Orlando, but there's a lot of city there, and much of it is not as tasteful as Disney World. Which is actually in Kissimmee, isn't it?

One odd thing about this one is that they didn't use a proper e-mail list; it's just a big chunk of addresses in the CC: list. It's alphabetical, so I share my message with twenty or so other people with "monty" in their email address. In fact, I think I may be on the list two or three times as different accounts.

Subject: Do you owe lots of Money?

Hey, shut up! I don't understand the tactics here; do they think if the subject line annoys me, that will make me want to read it? As it happens, I do owe money, but I don't think I'd call it "lots".

Anyway, this claims that everyone qualifies, and it's not a loan program, and "We strongly oppose the use of SPAM email". I don't want to call them liars, but, well, what's with all the lies? This is like this other one, called "Are You Living in Debt, Paycheck to Paycheck?" I think the unspoken second part is "Because if so, we think you might be a sucker!"

Subject: DRIVE WOMEN CRAZY WITH SEXUAL DESIRE! GUARANTEED!

Dude, quit yelling at me. Is that your secret? Screaming at the top of your lungs? Because I have to say, most of the women I know find that kind of irritating.

It turns out that what they're selling is pheromones, and it's important to know that "These are NOT loose bottles that may have been cut, watered down or tampered with. They are NOT factory seconds, defects, old stock, or misprinted bottles. I sell only first run factory fresh bottles in the original factory sealed, plastic tamper proof packaging. When you deal with us you know what your getting." It's not enough that they're selling shady chemicals that could never live up to the billing, they also have to make a big deal about how it's discounted but still pure.

What I don't get about all these is that I've received four or five copies of each one over the last week. The first one makes sense, but do they think I'm going to say, "Gosh! Now that I've received the penis-lengethening pill advertisement five times, I shall certainly give it a try! Where's my credit card, which has a nice high limit thanks to the not-a-loan-program!"