Somebody's a Genius

I was at the corner 7-11, which is actually a "Circle Foods Store," because it used to be a Circle K but then got cut loose by the Circle K people because they moved their franchise across the street, and it seems like you probably don't need this much exposition. Don't worry if you didn't follow that. I was in there to buy some Reese's Sticks, and in the area behind the counter where they keep the smut, I saw this: "Buffy Naked."

It's in the latest Playboy. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Naked. Except that, of course, it's not Sarah Michelle Gellar. It's Kristy Swanson. You know, from the movie? They describe her as "The Original Buffy," which I believe covers them legally. I think it's a brilliant ploy. You don't see it much, because normally the person who plays a character in a movie is more important than the television version.

Incidentally, upon further review, it appears to be the November 2002 issue, which might not be the most recent one after all. Their website says that there's a December 2002 issue, which has "The Women of WorldCom Nude." I don't know if the website is giving a preview of things to come or if my corner store is behind on its smut.

I keep wondering who the brilliant mind is that came up with this. Were people in the Playboy offices sitting around throwing celebrity names out and wondering who'd be most likely to pose nude? And after deciding that Jennifer Garner probably wouldn't do it, and that nobody really wants more Anna Nicole Smith, someone suggested Sarah Michelle Gellar. And the other guys in the room, I expect, said that she'd never ever do it. And then someone said it was a shame, because they'd never be able to use their "Buffy in the buff" headline. And everyone was sad until some guy who deserves a huge promotion and raise remembered that technically, there was another Buffy, who probably could use the exposure. In fact, I'm sure he used those exact words, and probably elbowed people in the ribs when he said "exposure." He may have added "Get it?" That's how I imagine Playboy brainstorm sessions, anyway. Later on, they probably tried to come up with something even weirder than "The Women of WorldCom."

On the other hand, it might have been Kristy Swanson's idea. I could see her (or more likely, her agent, who's even creepier in my head than the guys in the Playboy meeting) deciding that she needs to get her name out there. And then she'd get on the phone to the Playboy people and start the hard-sell. "No, really! I played Buffy in the movie! What do you mean, 'when does the movie come out?' The movie came out ten years ago! It had Luke Perry!" And eventually she's made the sale and it's off with the clothes. It could have happened either way, but my point is that I think whoever thought of it is a genius.

That's right, I said "genius." And I meant it. If you're Playboy (you're not, are you?), you need a certain amount of sleaze, because you really can't compete with the Internet for the porn consumer. And I realize that there's sleaze on the Internet (oh, do I ever realize that!) but it gets even sleazier when it's on the cover of a magazine with weird slick pages. And that means that Playboy needs a constant stream of nekkid celebrities of a certain level of fame. For example, in the January 2003 issue, the website says that they'll have Tia Carrere. She's just about ideal for their purposes: pretty enough that people will be interested in seeing her, but not so famous that people don't believe she'd pose nude.

And they also need the occasional near-scam. And big letters saying "BUFFY NUDE" are clearly the way to do it.

Me, I'm above all that sort of thing. Do you think I've used the words "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," "naked," "Sarah Michelle Gellar," "nude," and "Jennifer Garner" often enough yet?