Build a Better Crackpot

I'm dissatisfied with the quality of the crackpots you get these days. It seems like they're only a little crazy, while in years past, you got people incandescent in their peculiarities. So, if you're thinking of becoming a crackpot, here are a few tips to reach your potential.

1. Go the extra mile. If people start agreeing with you, that might be a danger sign that you're not completely disconnected from reality. Let's say you go around saying Columbus didn't discover America. Well, that's not crazy. There are shelves full of books about people getting to the New World before Columbus. Vikings, Chinese, even Marco Polo is claimed to have gotten to the Americas at some point. And most of those claims have actual evidence behind them.

   So what you want to do is take it one step further. Try something like "Columbus never discovered America. He was, however, the first man on the moon." That will get you the attention you want.

2. Stop dressing like a normal person. I can't believe how many crackpots are going around dressed in Abercrombie & Fitch. Okay, so I don't really understand why anybody wears Abercrombie & Fitch, but I really think that properly crazy people should dress more garishly. Maybe it's that I saw too much of the Adam West Batman in my formative years, but it seems like the only crackpot on television who dresses right is that Matthew Klesko "THE GOVERNMENT IS GIVING AWAY MONEY!!" jerk.

3. Do some research. Not a lot. You don't want to accidentally know too much and stumble into sanity. But if you're going to, say, put forth a theory that there used to be two Jupiters, but one got blown up and split into Earth, Mars, and Venus, you should at least know some astronomical buzzwords. You want to start off coherent, and only then veer into gibberish. Trust me; the effect will be much greater if people think there's a chance you might not be completely crazy.

4. Consider applying for a government grant. Because, now that I think of it, Klesko may have a point. Surely a little extra money would help somehow.